


Words Are All We Have

by SawyerDay



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Barber!Benny, Depression, F/M, Garbage Man!Dean, Hair Stylist!Charlie, Homophobia, M/M, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks, Religious Castiel, Sexual Assult, Slow Build, Violence, homeless!Cas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-03-23 04:56:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 28,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3755266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SawyerDay/pseuds/SawyerDay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is a garbage man starting over in a new town. He doesn't want to go out or make friends because his past is constantly haunting him. Unfortunately for him, he finds a homeless man asleep between two dumpsters while working and kinda befriends him. He might also have a crush on him. Maybe. Probably. Okay, he does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tuesday Is The New Monday

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gillasue345](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gillasue345/gifts), [WinJennster](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinJennster/gifts).



> This is for WinJennster and Gillasue345. Thank you both for being amazing ladies and always treating me kindly and encouraging me to write even when I feel like it's shit. I love you both. Enjoy!

It’s Tuesdays that Dean can’t seem to get his mind to work. Tuesday is his Monday. The only day of the week where it’s acceptable to moan and groan in protest. Especially when his alarm goes off before he's ready. His alarm blares beside him and he almost wants to call in sick just to sleep for a few more hours. He knows he’s a dick for even thinking it, so he forces himself to get his ass into gear and get moving.

“I hate Tuesday,” He mumbles, sitting up and wiping the sleep from his eyes. It’s barely light out and it feels cooler than usual. A shiver runs down his spine as his skin breaks out in goosebumps. He reaches out to grab his phone and nearly blinds himself trying to disable the alarm. He can already tell that it’s going to be a long day. He groans as he makes his way to the shower. The warm water helps him wake up a little, but it’s coffee he really wants.

His apartment is small, but it suits his needs. It’s a newly remodeled one bedroom. Everything is crisp and white. He hates it. It makes him feel like he’s in a hospital room.

He lives in a small town where barely anything ever happens. That’s how he likes it. Low key and boring. Also, there's the fact that not a soul knows where he came from or knows about his past. That alone is a blessing he thanks the universe for every day.

His drive to work is calming. He finds comfort in the sound the engine of his 67’ Impala makes when he accelerates. He smiles as he approaches the gates to Singer Waste Management. His boss, Bobby, is opening the gate. He pulls through with a wave to the older man. The man nods and follows him in on foot.

“Mornin’ Dean,” Bobby says as he approaches the office. His voice is gruff and familiar.

“Bobby,” He waves again as Bobby passes him. Dean watches as the man steps into the office on the side of the garage for staff vehicles. Bobby was the closest thing to a friend he had. His dad had known him when he was younger, but they don't talk about it.

“Weather’s starting to change,” Bobby says. “We’re gonna have to start preppin’ for winter in a couple months.” He hands Dean the keys to his truck. Dean nods and looks over to his rig. She’s old, but she gets the job done. If you would have asked Dean what he wanted to be when he grew up, he wouldn’t have said a garbage man. It was one of the only things available when he first moved to town and he's grown to like it. He makes more than enough to live on and he's able to save some and send some to his little brother. Stanford wasn't going to pay for itself no matter how many odd jobs his brother got.

“See ya in a few hours,” Dean says and walks over to his truck. He has his work issued jacket and a bagged lunch he made the night before. He can finally begin his work day.

His morning is like all his mornings except, it’s Tuesday. He has the downtown route on Tuesday. It’s not that the route is hard or anything, but he hates having to fight with traffic. Residential areas are easier because it’s easier to maneuver around cars, toys, and other things people leave lying around. People are terrible drivers downtown. He just doesn’t have the time or energy to deal with them most of the time.

It’s around noon and near the end of his route when Dean takes a break and parks the truck for lunch. His lunch isn’t much, but he enjoys his turkey sandwich and chips. He doesn’t usually eat in the truck, but he’s running a little late due to the horrific traffic. Summer is nearly over and everyone is coming back to town to get ready for winter and the school year. When he’s finished with his sandwich and chips he opens his water and takes a few sips to wash it all down. He’s screwing the cap back on when his phone rings.

“Hello?”

_ “Hey Dean, you working?” _

“Yeah, Sammy. You know I work on Tuesdays,” Dean laughs.

_ “Right, sorry.” _

“What’s up? How’re classes?”

_ “Oh, you know,” _ Sam pauses and then sighs,  _ “Dean, I gotta ask you something.” _

Dean shifts in his seat and looks out into the alleyway. Sam has a way of always asking loaded questions that Dean can’t quite answer. “Alright, what’s going on? Are you okay?”

Sam laughs,  _ “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just...well, there’s this girl-” _

“Oh Sammy, you’ve come to the right place! What do you want to know?” Dean knows he sounds like smug sonofabitch. He smiles and relaxes in his chair. He leans back and throws his feet up on the dashboard.

_ “Dean, please. Not like that! I want to ask her out, but she’s like really, really smart. I just...she’s amazing.” _

“It’s simple, man. Ask her for a study date. That way if it goes to shit you can just focus on your books and whatever. If it goes good, you can take her out after for a drink or something.”

_ "I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. Well, listen, Dad wants to know if you are coming home for Thanksgiving. I know how to you feel about coming home, but he wanted me to ask anyway." _

“I don't know, Sammy,” Dean says and scrubs a hand across his face. The truth is, there is no way in Hell he’s going back home for Thanksgiving. He knows full well his father did not ask if he was coming home.

_ “Alright, well, think about it?” _

The hopefulness in Sam’s voice tugs at his heart strings.

“Yeah, I’ll think about it.”

They say their goodbyes and Dean almost wants to end his shift early and go back to his apartment. He doesn’t want to think about being back home and it sucks when Sam asks when he’s coming to visit. He doesn’t have the heart to tell him that he’s not. He can’t. It would have to be a cold day in Hell before he ever set foot in his father’s house again.

It’s nearing the end of his lunch break when he sees someone sitting in the alley. It's a man. He's sprawled out between two dumpsters. His head tipped back against the brick wall, his mouth is hanging open. Dean stops and stares for a moment to make sure the man is breathing before he leaves. Dean lays on the horn to signal he’s backing up and the guy jumps and glares at him. Dean smiles and waves to say, “sorry for the horn”. The man looks at Dean again and frowns. Dean backs out of the alley and gets back on the road.


	2. That Was Weird

The following Tuesday is similar the previous one. Traffic is a nightmare and Sam calls and they talk about how well the study date had gone and that he and this girl, Jess, have another date planned for the weekend at a coffee shop near campus. He’s glad that Sam is fitting in. Lord knows he never really fit in at home. Neither of them did. It was all about making money to get outta there. Dean barely escaped, but he doesn’t want to think about that. Sam has been talking about coming to visit now that he has a little more time and that makes Dean’s whole day a million times better. 

He’s smiling by the time he gets towards the end of his route and he sees the same man sitting between the two dumpsters. This time, he’s reading a book. He has a half eaten sandwich resting on his leg and a bottle of water. Dean places a hand on the steering wheel and presses down twice in quick succession to signal he’s going to back up. The horn blares from the truck and again, it startles the man. His book goes flying in the air and his sandwich falls to the ground. Dean laughs and waves, but the man only glares at him. Dean keeps laughing until he sees the man pick up the sandwich like it’s a dead family pet or something. He looks it over in his hands and even from where Dean is sitting sees the man sigh heavily.

_______________________________________

The third time Dean sees the man between the dumpsters he realizes the man is homeless. He can’t help the guilt that washes over him. It wasn’t like he was trying to be a jackass with the honking. The weight of knowing that he had been the reason the man lost part of a meal leaves him feeling like the world's biggest asshole. After his shift is over he drives to the convenience store and picks up a few sandwiches and bottles of water to take to the guy.

He parks his car in the alley a block away from where the man sits and walks over to him. He’s reading again, but he doesn’t look up. Dean grips the bag a little tighter. Maybe this was a mistake. What if this guy was a serial killer or something? Even with his heart beating a million miles a second and his sweating palms, he walks up to the guy and clears his throat. The man looks up and Dean’s looking into the most amazing blue eyes he has ever seen. They shine in a way that he has never seen before. They almost look un-human.

A moment passes before he realizes he’s staring at the man, “Sorry, I, uh, a few weeks ago you dropped your sandwich. I mean, it was my fault,” He’s rambling. “But anyway, I got these for you.”

The man sits there are stares at the bag. He doesn’t think the man is going to take it, but slowly he takes the bag from Dean’s hand and sets it on the ground next to him.

“Thank you.”

Dean nods at the guy in response. The man doesn’t say anything else. He just picks up his book and starts reading again. Dean backs away and heads back to his car. He can admit that the interaction was awkward, but he feels better having done something for someone else.

Over the next few days, Dean brings the guy a few things here and there. The man always says thank you and then Dean leaves. He feels good about helping someone out even if it is just things like, soap, a toothbrush, and other toiletries. He even brings him an old hoodie that he never wears anymore. He had someone like that when he was going through a hard time, this wasn’t exactly the same, but he remembers what he felt like when it felt like someone actually cared.

This Tuesday is the same as the others, but when he walks out to his car there is a chill in the air and he can see his breath when he exhales. He runs back inside and grabs his old pair of gloves for the man by the dumpster. They're worn and the outer layer of the fabric is cracking, but the insides are fleece and they are warm and soft. He also makes an extra sandwich and fills up another thermos with hot coffee.

The end of his route seems like it takes forever. He just wants to get to the guy and give him the stuff. It’s freezing today. The sun is out but there is a cold breeze and it makes Dean’s cheeks and nose feel like they are on fire. He stops the truck and gets out to walk over to where the guy usually sits.

“Hello,” Dean calls, he turns to look around the other dumpsters in the area, but he can’t find the guy anywhere. He looks again near the usual spot and sees the guy’s bag stuffed under the stairs that lead up the side of the building. He knows better than to touch the bag, but he can’t help the feeling of panic rising up in his chest. What if the guy got sick out here? Got hurt? Or worse?

Dean runs back to his truck and heads back to the yard. On his way home he stops at a few shelters and even the hospital to look for the guy. After the third stop, he realizes how crazy he sounds and that it’s going to be impossible to find someone whose name you don’t even know. Why is he even looking for the man in the first place? He doesn’t know him. Not really. He doesn’t know anything about him. He can’t help but feel guilty that he didn’t take the time to get to know the guy at all. He’s been bringing him stuff for a month, yet he can’t take the time to learn a name?

The drive home takes too long and it leaves Dean in a sour mood. He feels like an asshole and it makes him think about the months before he had left home. He himself had been more or less homeless. He had been practically living in the Impala for a few weeks before a friend stepped in and helped him get back on his feet.

He doesn’t like to think about his past, but what if this man is in a similar situation? He makes a mental note to go see if he can find him after his shift tomorrow. He will ask him his name and maybe find out what he’s doing for Thanksgiving. It’s still a month away, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! If you have any questions or anything, please ask!


	3. His Name Is Castiel

The next day, Dean’s shift ends. He showers as fast as he can and is out of the yard before anyone can say anything to him or question him about why he's in such a hurry. He drives downtown and parks his car in a park and ride and walks the three blocks to where the blue-eyed man usually hangs out. He carries an old backpack on his back with the gloves, a sandwich, some apples and oranges, and a few bottles of water. He also stuffed a burger and fries in there too. He rounds the corner into the alley and sees the man sitting there wrapped up in a dirty trench coat. He’s asleep and Dean can’t help but feel instant relief that the man looks unharmed.

Dean bends down and taps him on the shoulder, “Hey,” The man opens his eyes and pulls the coat up as if to hide from an intruder, “It’s just me.”

“Sorry, I...I’m...sorry.”

“Hey, no need to apologize. I brought you some stuff yesterday and you weren’t here. Kinda freaked me out, man. It’s getting colder out here,” Dean stands and his eyes land on the man's face. He looks awful. He could use a shower and a shave. Maybe some food.

 Dean pulls the pack off his back and the man's eyes rest on the bag, following it as Dean unzips it. He tenses as he pulls out the bag with the hamburger and fries in it and hands it to the guy. It’s still warm. The man relaxes, takes the burger and unwraps it faster than should be possible and shoves it in his mouth.

“These make me very...happy,” He says and smiles around his second bite. Dean can’t help but smile too.

“Yeah, me too. I love burgers,” Dean sits next to the guy and the guy stops chewing and stares at him. “What?”

“Why do you keep bringing me things?” The man asks. He sets the burger down on his lap and frowns. Dean feels like he should tell him the truth. Maybe just a half truth. Can he even trust this guy?

Dean sighs and takes a look around the area, “I was in a similar position a few years ago. There weren’t many people who helped me and those who did weren’t what they seemed to be.”

At least it wasn’t a total lie.

“Are you like those people?”

“No, no. I’m nothing like them,” Dean turns to the guy and sighs, “Look, when I was down on my luck, no one really cared what happened to me. You weren’t here yesterday and I...I just wanted to make sure you’re alright.”

The man stares at him and his face softens and his cheeks slightly turn pink, “Thank you.”

“No problem. So, what’s your name anyway?” Dean asks. He should know his name just in case he disappears again. He pulls the open backpack towards himself and pulls out a bottle of water and hands it to the guy.

“Castiel,” He replies and takes the bottle from Dean’s hands. He opens it, drinking down half the bottle in just a few seconds.

“Dude, that’s a friggin’ weird name. Are you named after a family member or something?”

“No, I’m named after an angel. My family is very religious. I have three brothers and a sister. We’re all named after angels,” Castiel sets the bottle down next to his thigh and picks up the burger again.

“Wow. Well, I’m Dean. I suppose I’m named after my grandmother Deanna. Not as cool as being named after an angel, but she was pretty badass.” Dean smiles and so does Castiel. Dean feels himself starting to let his ‘I don’t need anyone’ wall down and then the panic sets in. He came here to get away and start over. He didn’t want people to know him and what he had done. He stands up quickly, wiping his hands on his jeans, “I’m gonna get going, but this stuff is for you,” He pokes the backpack his with toe of his boot.

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas stands and reaches out the hand not occupied by a hamburger. Dean takes it and gives it a firm shake before turning to leave. He feels a little guilty for suddenly leaving, but he’s done okay without friends so far, and who makes friends with a homeless person? I mean, the guy seems normal, aside from his weird name, but who knows. He could have killed for crack or something.

He’s halfway back to his car when he remembers he didn’t ask about Castiel's plans for Thanksgiving. Something in his brain tells him to keep walking, he doesn’t need to let anyone in. But he can also hear his brother's voice in his head saying, “Help him. Turn back and help him.” He turns around with a groan.

As he approaches Castiel again he sees he’s putting things into the backpack Dean had left. Dean shoves his hands into his pockets and leans up against the dumpster next to him.

“You leaving?” Dean asks. Castiel looks up as if he's startled, but relaxes when he sees its Dean.

“Yes, I’m only allowed to stay here until 4. The owner of this building is very kind.”

Dean’s heart clenches and he hates what he’s about to do, but it’s better him than some creep, “I don’t do this. But, I have a couch if you’d like to get off the street for a bit. My apartment is small, but it’s warm and you can shower and whatever.”

Castiel takes his time to answer, “No, thank you.”

Dean’s mouth drops open, “What?”

“I appreciate what you have done for me, but this is where I belong.”

“Hey, man, no one just belongs on the street. Look,” Dean’s shocked at how upset he feels and how sad he is that Castiel wants to take his chances with the cold. “I don’t know your story, and I’m not askin’, but I’ll be damned if I let you stay out here when I’ve got more than enough at home.”

“I appreciate the offer but no, thank you.” Castiel starts to walk away. Dean follows. Castiel stops and turns around. His face is so close to Dean’s he can feel the man's warm breath on his face, “I said no.”

“Alright,” Dean puts his hands up in defense and takes a step back.

"Goodbye, Dean," Castiel turns back around and walks away clutching the backpack to his body as if it’s going to protect him. Dean scrubs and hand over his face and watches as Cas rounds the corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The timing is a little messed up so just kind of ignore the days/months. I tried to fix it but only ended up confusing myself further. Thank you for reading! Let me know how you like it so far! :)


	4. The Red Hoodie

It’s Saturday, Dean’s day off and he’s awake too early. Cas had agreed to lunch. They’re meeting at the bakery around ten. It was only seven. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little bit excited to see Cas today.

He gets up and takes a long shower hoping to waste a little time. He makes himself an elaborate breakfast and even cleans the kitchen right away. It’s still too early at eight thirty. Maybe he’ll catch up on some TV. He turns on his favorite show and watches it for a total of five minutes before he sighs in frustration. He can’t focus. Maybe he’ll just go for a walk downtown and wait for Cas to show up. He hadn’t really ever been downtown besides to work. It could be a learning experience about the place he currently calls home.

He drives downtown and parks at the park and ride. He’s kind of shocked at all the little stores packed into such a small area. He finds a small bookstore and goes in. Maybe he can find something to send Sam. He likes books about supernatural lore and historical fiction. He’s sure he can find something. He runs his hands across the spines different books. He picks one up about vampires and flips through it. Not really paying attention to where he’s going.

“Vampires?” He hears. He knows who the voice belongs to before he even looks up. It’s only been a few days since he has seen Cas, but his heart starts beating like it’s been months anyway.

“It’s for my brother. He’s into this kinda stuff,” He replies and closes the book. Dean looks down at his watch. Is he late? He didn’t really pay much attention to time once he entered the store.

“I saw you come in,” Cas offers and smiles. It’s a small thing, but Dean will take it. Cas doesn’t smile enough. Dean buys the book and has it shipped to his brother.

The two men exit the bookstore and walk towards the center of town. They don’t really talk a whole lot and when they do it’s not about anything important. Cas talks about the weather and bees while he picks up litter on the sidewalk. He also talks about the mating cycles of deer and rabbits and other various animals. Dean talks about cars and work. Neither of them talks about family or anything too personal. It’s not as awkward as Dean thinks it should be.

“So, what do you do all day?” Dean asks.

 “This,” He says and holds up the bag of garbage, ”Whatever I can.” Dean can’t believe his eyes when Cas offers to help an old lady cross the street. The woman hands Cas a few small bills. He thanks her and places the money in his pocket.

It’s then that Dean realizes where they are headed. He hasn’t been living in the area for long but remembers being told about the homeless camp in the woods near the park. Bobby had talked about it when a few people had come in to trade cans for cash. They walk for about fifteen minutes before Dean starts to see the tops of tents and tarps hung from trees. He feels a pang of guilt as he follows closely behind Cas. Maybe Cas has a family out here.

“Is this where you live, Cas?”

“Cas?”

He shouldn’t tell him why he calls him Cas. He definitely shouldn’t tell him that in the same conversation with Sam, he told him they’re friends. He doesn’t. Dean can feel the blush coloring his cheeks, “Uh, yeah.”

“I like it,” he says and Dean smiles.

Cas looks at him for a moment and then starts walking again. They make it to the edge of the park and Cas holds a branch back and waits for Dean to pass. If he’s totally honest with himself he’s kind of terrified about what he’s going to see. He doesn’t like the thought of people suffering or being hungry.

The trail they are on leads to a small clearing with three rows of tents that make a half circle. There’s a fire pit in the middle with a number of chairs around it. The people who occupy the area are milling around. Some of them are sitting near the fire. Some are talking with others in the group. Some of them look okay and others make Dean’s skin crawl.

A man a little taller than Dean waves the two men over, “Castiel! Looks like you brought home some extra baggage.”

Cas smiles and walks into the larger man's arms and they embrace quickly. The man reaches out a hand to Dean and nods at him. Dean takes his hand and nods in return.

“I’m Dean.”

“Benny,” The man takes his hand from Dean’s and turns back to the line of people behind him. He’s confused as to what he’s seeing and his confusion must be written on his face because Cas laughs.

“Benny works at the barber shop downtown. He comes out here twice a month for free haircuts and shaves.” Cas absently rubs the scruff on his face.

“That explains the peach fuzz, Cas,” Dean says and reaches out a hand to touch Cas’ face before he can stop himself. It’s too late. He’s already done it. He just touched Cas’s face. He thinks he can see Cas blush, but he ignores it.

“So, tell me about this place,” Dean says and turns in a slow circle taking in the views of tents and people all lining up where Benny is setting up his station.

“I help where I can, but sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough. Most of these people are good people. They just...they’re doing what they have to do.” Dean doesn’t miss the way that Castiel’s voice changes when talking about people doing what they have to do. He knows the kinds of things people have to do to survive. Cas turns and starts walking towards the tents. Dean follows.

Dean is about to change the subject when he sees a young kid about seventeen wearing the hoodie that he had given Cas a month ago. His gaze follows an elderly lady wearing his gloves and he spots a man about his age with his backpack. He now understands why Cas has refused his offer to stay at his apartment. Cas does have a family. He doesn’t want to leave them behind.

“What specifically do you do? I mean, when you aren’t downtown bothering me,” Dean laughs and Cas turns around so quickly Dean doesn’t have time to move out of the way. His face inches from Dean’s.

“I bother you?” He asks quickly. His face is very serious. Dean takes a step back and puts his hands up in defense.

“No, no. I was kidding! I mean if anything I bother you,” He defends. Holy shit, when did Cas’s eyes get so blue? Cas relaxes and turns back around and starts walking again. Dean follows. Further away from him this time. It’s clear Cas has little or no concept of personal space and Dean doesn’t want to get caught off guard again.

“This is it,” Cas says and he steps through a tent flap. Dean stops outside the entryway. He feels like he should be doing more to help Cas. “Are you coming?”

Dean steps inside. The space is clean and very well put together. It’s bigger than he originally thought. There is a bed built on some pallets in the center of the tent. There are three makeshift bookshelves filled with books and there’s even a small cabinet filled with canned foods and bottles of water.

“Looks like you’ve got it made,” Dean smiles nervously and sits on the chair near the entryway.

“I do have it better than some,” Cas sets his bag down and pulls out several bags of bagels. Dean watches as he takes two and puts them aside. He then pulls out a tray from under the bed and places the bagels carefully on the tray. Cas’ hands look cold. His long fingers pick up each bagel so gently. Dean wishes he was one of the bagels for only a second before he realizes what he’s thinking.

“So, does the bagel guy give you those?”

Cas nods then pauses, ”I don’t steal them. If that’s what you’re asking.”

“No, I don’t think you steal. Just curious,” Dean stands and looks at some of the books on the bookshelves. He hasn’t read any of the titles, but some of them look interesting. He takes one off the shelf and turns it over in his hands. “I loan books out to the others. I guess it’s kind of like a library,” Cas says. Dean turns to look at him. He’s holding the tray of bagels and there are now a few muffins on top.

“So, you’ve got that whole, like, cliche attractive librarian thing going on?” Cas tilts his head in confusion and Dean’s eyes go wide. He turns back to the shelf and puts the book back to hide his embarrassment.

_What the fuck am I saying? Do I not have a fucking filter? Jesus Christ, Dean._

“Would you be willing to help me pass these out?” Cas asks. Dean is thankful the other man doesn’t say anything about comparing him to an attractive librarian.

“Yeah, sure,” Dean shoves his hands in his pockets as they walk back to the line in front of Benny.

Dean counts seventeen people in the line. A couple of the people look pretty intense, but it seems like everyone has a sense of belonging and for a moment, Dean feels envious of them. He used to belong somewhere. He had a family like this once. People from broken homes and struggling to make life worth it. Just trying to make a little money by doing anything they could. He had done some pretty shitty things back then.

He feels a little sad that he’s been living in this town for a little over a year and he still feels like a stranger. Maybe that’s his fault, though. He doesn’t go out much and so far the only friend he’s made is a homeless guy who he may or may not find attractive.

Cas starts handing out the baked goods starting from the back of the line and moves towards the front. The last person to grab a bagel is the elderly lady wearing Dean’s old gloves. She’s sitting in an old computer chair and her feet dangle a few inches above the ground.

“Who’s this?” She asks looking at Dean. She then promptly stuffs the bagel in her mouth. She stares at Dean while she chews and it makes him feel like a bug under a magnifying glass.

“This is Dean. He used to own those gloves you’re wearing,” Cas sets the nearly empty tray down next to him on Benny’s work table and smiles at her. The woman keeps looking at Dean.

“My hands just get so damn cold,” She says and smiles. She has one of those smiles that makes you feel instantly better. One of those smiles like someone he used to know a long time ago.

“You’re welcome,” Dean says, watching as Benny walks up behind her and starts spraying her hair. Her hair is graying at the roots but towards the ends it’s a deep chocolate brown.

“Benjamin, don’t go cuttin’ off too much! Pay attention to what you’re doing, alright?” She snaps. There’s no real malice in her voice, but Dean thinks there’s a story there. Benny just smiles and runs his hands through the long strands. “I’m serious young man!”

“Yes, ma'am,” Benny replies and starts trimming the ends of her hair. Dean watches as Benny moves. He’s like a samurai with scissors. Dean thinks maybe he should let Benny cut his hair and give him a shave. Not here, but later when he has another day off because he’s starting to look like a lumberjack and not in a good way.

Cas gets his cut and shave last. Benny seems to take a little more time with him. He even takes the time to wash his hair. Dean isn’t entirely sure, but he thinks he might feel jealous. As Benny is scrubbing Cas scalp, a little moan escapes from Cas’ mouth and it makes Dean blush.

“This has always been your favorite part,” Benny laughs and tips the computer chair back and starts rinsing the shampoo from his scalp. The smell of the soap is overwhelming. It smells like pine trees, spice, and a hint of something sweet. After the soap is rinsed Benny towels off Cas’ head and his hair is sticking up all over the place. Dean snorts in laughter.

“What are you laughing at?” He asks. His face is serious, but his hair looks insane. Dean wants to respond he really does, but Cas just looks too damn stupid to be taken seriously and laughs louder while he pulls out his phone. It reminds him of all the times Sam had experimented with using a blow dryer. Cas keeps glaring even after Dean has snapped a photo.

“Take a look, Mufasa,” Dean chuckles. Cas’s eyes leave Dean’s face and land on the phone. His expression changes to a much softer one and small smile forms on his face. Dean pulls his phone out of Cas’s view and pockets it, shaking his head. “I’ve only seen one other person with hair like that!”

“I suppose I take after my mother in that area,” He says simply. Benny pauses and looks at Dean who meets his eyes. It’s like he’s trying to convey some kind of message. Like something important had happened and he missed it.

“What?” Dean asks. Benny doesn’t say anything. He just continues to look at Dean while his hands move in Cas’ hair.

“How much do you want to cut today?” Benny asks, but his gaze doesn’t leave Dean’s face. It feels like he’s trying to get inside Dean’s head and see the darkest corners of his mind.

“I think I’m going to try to apply for a job at the bakery.”

That statement causes Benny’s hands to freeze and he looks at the top of Castiel’s head.

“You sure?” Benny asks.

“Yes.”

Benny nods in an understanding of what Cas needs and gets to work and Cas closes his eyes. Something happened there and Dean missed it. 

Cas’s face totally relaxes and Dean can’t help but feel like he wants to be the reason he looks so content. In fact, if he was totally honest with himself, he’d really like to be the one running his hands through Cas’s hair.

“I have some clothes you can borrow if you get an interview,” Dean offers. He stares at the hands in Cas’s hair. Dean doesn’t miss the way that Benny grabs a handful of Cas’s hair and pulls on it gently. Cas closes his eyes again and Benny gives Dean a shit-eating grin like he knows something that Dean doesn’t.

“I’m gonna go check out your library.” He leaves before Cas can give any kind of a response.

_I’m so fucked._

Dean’s sitting on Cas’ bed skimming through a book about extreme outdoor camping when Cas walks into his tent. His hair is much shorter and styled in a way that makes Dean’s mouth go dry. His face is smooth and Dean feels like he’s seeing him for the first time all over again. The sight of the new look makes him stare longer than he intended to.

“Are you alright, Dean?” Cas asks concerned. He sets his jacket down on the back of the chair just inside the tent. He looks so different without his giant trench coat on. He’s wearing a plain gray fitted t-shirt and faded blue jeans. Jeans that Dean is pretty sure were sent from heaven because they are perfect. On his feet, he’s wearing a pair of beat-up Chuck Taylors. He’s pretty sure his mouth is hanging open. “Dean?”

“Wha-oh. Yeah. I’m fine, Cas.” Dean sets the book down on the bed. He watches as Cas walks over to a hanging bag. He unzips it and pulls out a dark zipper hoodie and puts it on. He’s putting his arms through the sleeves when Dean stands and decides it’s time for him to go and starts towards the exit of the tent. The hoodie is bringing back memories of his past and this isn’t exactly the place he wants them to come up.

“You ready to go?” Cas asks and zips up the sweatshirt. It’s like the piece of clothing is mocking him. “I’ll walk you to your car. I’m gonna pick up an application at the bakery.” Cas smiles.

“Yes, let's go.” This shouldn’t be happening. This isn’t a thing that happens to him. Dean feels like he’s overheating. He’s gotta get outta the tent. It’s suddenly too small and too confining. He pushes past Cas and starts towards the trail. He hears Benny behind him yell something and Dean waves over his shoulder. His breathing is erratic and his vision is blurring.

_Oh for fucks sake, a panic attack? Now? Of all places, Winchester._

He stops walking when he reaches the bench at the entrance to the trail and places his head between his knees to calm himself.

“Dean, are you alright?” He feels a hand on his back. The hand starts moving, rubbing small reassuring circles. “Hey, you’re alright, brother. Deep breaths.”

It takes Dean a few minutes to realize that it’s not Cas touching him but Benny. That helps soothe him a little. After a few minutes he sits up and sees Cas standing in front of him. The hoodie is covered by a light blue windbreaker and Dean feels instant relief. He remembers Benny is next to him. Benny is talking, but he’s not sure what he’s saying exactly until he sees the water bottle in his face. Dean takes it and takes a few sips.

“What was that all about?” Benny asks and takes the bottle from Dean’s hands. Dean doesn’t have an answer that he feels comfortable saying, so he just stays quiet and leans back closing his eyes. He can’t just tell them about his past. He can’t just explain that seeing that hoodie makes him feel like he’s somewhere else. Somewhere he doesn’t want to be. “Dean?”

“I’m okay. Just give me a minute,” He replies and opens his eyes again. There are big white fluffy clouds passing above him and he focuses on them until he’s calmed down. He slowly sits up and tries to stand. Benny is still sitting next to him and helps him up. “Thanks.”

“No problem. I’ve had a few panic attacks myself. Military,” Benny says. Dean doesn’t need an explanation. He gets it. Cas is at his other side and looks like he’s seen a dead body or something. Benny picks up his pack and takes off in the other direction after Dean’s assured him that he’s alright.

“Did I do something? Was seeing where I live too much?” Cas asks quietly. Dean stops and forces himself to look at his friend. Cas looks defeated and really sad. Dean has to stop himself from reaching out to the other man. God, he wants to tell him everything. He knows he should have someone to talk to about all this. He can’t keep pushing it down forever. It will eat him alive if he tries.

“I have a past,” Dean starts. He has to take a few mind clearing breaths. “I have a past that... I’ll be okay. I just- I need to go home.”

Cas nods and starts walking again leaving Dean thinking about just telling Cas everything. He catches up and they walk across the park toward the lot where Dean is parked in silence.

“I’m gay,” Cas nearly shouts. Dean looks around quickly to see if anyone else had heard the revelation. Cas turns and faces Dean, “Part of the reason I’m here, is because I’m gay.”

“Cas…”

“I understand pain and regret and I understand having a past that you want to run from,” Cas says and starts walking again. His tone wasn’t angry, but there was some pain there. Cas leaves Dean standing next to his car confused and wondering what the fuck just happened. This was not how he imagined his day going.

Dean drives home more confused than anything. Why had Cas made it a point to come out at that moment? He didn’t seem angry. It was like he just wanted Dean to know, but didn’t want to talk about it further. Maybe it was his way of saying that he understands and that he’s there if Dean needs anything. He had blurted it out and took off before Dean had time to process anything.

 Why was being gay the reason he was homeless? Did he and his family have a falling out and he was kicked out? Dean knew the pain of that situation. Cas had mentioned that his family was religious. Maybe that had something to do with it. He realizes there is so much he doesn’t know about Castiel, but he wants to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are going to kinda shift and move a little quicker now. Thank you for reading. I appreciate it a lot. :) If you have any questions please ask!


	5. Snip Snip

Dean’s Sundays are usually spent watching television shows (he’s sure they are meant for middle aged women), drinking beer, and coming up with awesome and easy recipes to send to Sam. Today, he thinks me might go and check out Benny’s shop and get a haircut and shave.

Benny’s shop is a few doors down from the bookstore. It’s small and looks like something out of a magazine, complete with an old school coke machine and dark hardwood floors. Dean enters and he’s greeted by a redhead who introduces herself as Charlie. While he waits his turn she talks about Star Wars and her crazy weekend adventures in the park doing something called LARPing. Dean isn’t quite sure what LARPing is, but she’s so passionate about it she keeps his attention.

“What do you do for fun?” She asks. It’s a simple question, but it really makes him think. There isn’t anything that he does in his spare time that means anything. He usually just goes home after work and watches tv. I mean there is the whole thing with Cas, but he wouldn’t say semi stalking a homeless man was a hobby he could brag about.

“I don’t really do anything,” He says as Benny motions for him to sit one of the chairs.

“What?” There is a scandalized look on her face, “Dude, there is so much to do here. I mean, the bar scene is snoozeville and full of misogynistic douchebags, but there are some awesome events that some of the local places put on. You should come out with me.”

“I don’t know about that,” He says. He eyes Benny while he mixes the shaving cream in the small bowl he’s holding. He sits down and Charlie follows.

“Well, what kind of stuff do you like?” Again, a simple question. What does he like? What is he even good at? Cars. He was good at fixing up cars and he likes trying new beers and cooking and he might like being outdoors, but he has yet to test that theory.

“I dunno, guy stuff?” Of course, it comes out like a question. Charlie plops down in the chair next to him and scoffs. He’s clearly not passing any of her tests.

“He hangs out with Castiel.” Benny says. Then, “Alright, brother, no moving. I’m gonna have to use my electric first to get some of this hair outta the way.” He knows not to move and part of him thinks that Benny brought Cas up at this exact point on purpose.

“Oh, ol’ blue eyes, huh?” She laughs. Dean realizes there’s a story there, but doesn’t ask any questions.

“That’s how I met Dean. He was checkin’ out the tent city. Helped Castiel hand out some baked goods. Did I tell you he has an interview at the bakery?” This little piece of information seems to make Charlie perk up.

“Really? I mean...after what happened?” Dean pretends not to be listening as Benny brings out the clippers and starts cutting hair from his face. To be honest, he’s terrified that this man who he barely knows is going to slit his throat and laugh at him while he bleeds out.

“I guess he’s ready.”

“Good. That’s really good,” She says. He takes a quick peek at her face and she looks genuinely happy for him, but there is a hint of sadness in her voice that makes Dean wonder what the story behind the sadness is.

Benny tips Dean’s head back and places a warm washcloth on his face and neck. It feels weird to have someone touching his face. It feels so foreign and strange. He realizes it’s been a long time since he’s even touched another person for longer than a handshake.

“Are you going to see him again?” Charlie asks. His eyes open and he just looks at her. He doesn’t know. At this point, he doesn’t know. It feels weird now.

“I don’t know. Our last face to face was pretty awkward.” Apparently everyone in this damn town is good at making Dean talk when he doesn’t want to.

“That’s Castiel for you. He’s a bundle of awkward. What happened?” She asks and moves to the chair beside him. She reaches for a magazine and flips through it while she waits for his answer.

“Charlie, could you check on the order again? I think I missed some things.”

Dean opens his eyes and looks at Benny’s chin and silently thanks the universe that he saved him intentional or not. He knows he’s going to be giving this man a large tip.

Charlie leaves mumbling about being a queen and Dean relaxes again when he can hear her in the back room moving things around. He doesn’t say anything he just lets Benny work.

Twenty minutes later he’s shaved and cut and looks totally different. He had let his beard grow for the last few months. Partly out of hate for shaving but mostly because he wanted to hide his face. He stares at himself in the mirror. He looks how he used to look before his life went to shit and he feels the tears pricking at his eyes. He looks like himself again and damn he shouldn’t be this emotional over a haircut and a shave.

He quickly remembers that he’s in a barber shop and clears his throat. If Benny or Charlie noticed his minor emotional breakdown they didn’t say anything and he’s thankful. He's also thankful Benny doesn't mention his panic attack.

“We’ll see ya in a few weeks, Dean,” Benny says as Dean hands him his payment.

“Thanks,” He says. Dean smiles and turns to leave. He sees Cas standing awkwardly at the door. He offers him a small smile, but he doesn't return it. He just stares for a moment and then turns and walks away. Dean opens the door to follow him but decides against it. Maybe he needs some time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday to Dancingmuffin! 
> 
> Just a warning that the next chapter will EXTREMELY SHORT so if you want to wait until the following week to catch up, you can. 
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	6. We're A Mess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is probably 92847654 mistakes so, just ignore those.

Tuesday comes and Dean doesn’t see Cas in his usual spot. He feels a pang of guilt. He should have gone after him on Sunday and talked to him. Dean backs out of the alleyway and heads back to the yard. He thinks he might actually kinda miss the guy and it only gets worse because he doesn’t see him for the rest of the week.

_________________

It’s late the following Monday when Dean realizes his phone is ringing because of a phone call and not because his alarm is going off.

“Hello?” There is a female voice he doesn’t recognize on the other end. He’s only able to make out a few words in his sleepy haze, but they’re enough to have him running through his apartment gathering his things to get to his car as fast as possible.

The panic sets in before he can get to the hospital. He’s speeding and he hopes with everything in him that he doesn’t get pulled over. Cas is in trouble and for some reason, he had been used as the emergency contact. He doesn’t have time to worry about how Cas had even gotten his number in the first place.

He parks half-assed in a parking space and runs into the emergency room. There aren’t many people, but there are enough that he feels all eyes in the room shift to him as he runs in. He scans the room looking for the front desk and his feet start moving towards it before his brain can even register what he’s seeing.

“I’m here for Castiel,” He says. He’s out of breath and he feels like his lungs are going to burst.

“Last name?” The nurse asks lazily and Dean mentally kicks himself for never learning Cas’s last name. His face must give him away because she starts typing away on her computer without saying anything else. His mind is going a million miles a second and he doesn’t know where he’s going, but as soon as the words of where Cas is are out of her mouth he’s moving again.

Finally, he finds the right room number and bursts into the room without knocking. He sees Cas sitting in a hospital bed. There are cuts and bruising on his face and his arm is in a sling. The wires from the IV are visible and Dean lets out a breath of relief to see that Cas is alive.

“Dean?” Cas asks. He looks surprised to see the other man.

“The hospital called me and said that you were here. Cas, what the hell happened?”

Cas looks down at his lap. He doesn’t say anything, but Dean can see the shame on Cas’s face. He takes a step in the door and closes it behind him and takes a seat in the chair next to the hospital bed.

“Cas-”

“I didn’t know who else to call. Your number was on one of the tags on your backpack. I kept it just in case. They said it’s not safe for me to go back to the camp. They said that I should find somewhere else to go,” Cas still won’t look him in the eye.

“Cas, I’m glad you called.” It’s not a lie. In truth, he had been missing him all week. It was nice to have someone there even if it was awkward half the time they talked. They never really talked about anything substantial until the day Dean went to the camp and even that wasn’t an actual conversation.

“I should have tried Benny first. I’m so sorry.” He looks so small and so broken and it’s starting to make Dean feel uncomfortable. It’s bringing up things he doesn’t want to think about. He hadn’t actually been in a hospital room in years. He didn’t like they way they smelled. Everything was too clean.

Cas sniffles and a few tears find their way down his cheeks. Dean moves his hand to Cas’s shoulder and gives it a reassuring squeeze. Cas covers Dean’s hand with his own.

“What good are friends if you can’t be there when they need you?” Cas smiles a little but says nothing. Why had he chosen those words? This is too familiar. He can feel himself starting to tense up. He can feel the panic attack coming. His heart is beating so hard his chest aches. He looks down and see’s Cas’s hand squeezing his. He focuses on the feeling. After a few moments, a nurse comes in with a stack of discharge papers and instructions on medications that Cas needs to take. He doesn’t hear anything she says but watches as she leaves.

“Dean?” Cas says. Dean just keeps looking at Cas’s hand willing himself to breathe slower. He’s gotta keep breathing.  _ Deep breath in. Let it out. Deep breath in. Let it out. _

He takes a few more deep breaths and his heart starts to beat more normally. He keeps a firm grip on Cas’s hand and Cas is staring at him.

“Better?” Cas asks quietly.

“Yeah,” He replies.

“We’re a mess,” Cas says and laughs. It’s not a real laugh, but Dean still stores it away anyway. Dean nods in agreement and helps Cas get his things ready to go. Cas can stay with him as long as he needs.

Cas agrees to stay for five days so Dean takes a week off. Dean doesn’t mention the fact that his hand tingles where Cas held it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to update. I moved again...
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	7. Let Me Help You

The first day is awkward. Mostly Castiel stays on the couch and sleeps. He doesn’t talk much and it makes Dean feel like he’s not doing enough to make his guest feel comfortable. Still, he sits with his friend and keeps him fed and hydrated.

Late in the afternoon, after accidentally falling asleep while watching a nature show on bees, Dean wakes up to Cas groaning in pain.

“Cas?”

“I’m fine. I just need to get to the bathroom.”

Dean stands and moves over to where Cas is struggling and reaches out a hand. Cas stares at his hand but doesn’t take it.

“Come on, man. You gotta go if you gotta go.”

“Dean, I think I can do this myself.”

“Let me help you.”

“I don’t need your help!” Cas snaps, pushing Dean’s hand out of the way. He forces himself to stand and it’s clear he’s in a lot of pain, but Dean lets him hobble to the bathroom. He still won’t talk about what happened and Dean doesn’t want to push it.

Day two is pretty much the same as the first. Cas doesn’t really talk much, but he doesn’t seem as angry as before. Dean makes him his famous ‘Dean Winchester BBQ Burger’ and he feels a swell of pride when Cas bounces in his chair at the excitement of taking his first bite.

“Good, huh?”

“Dean, where did you learn to cook like this?” Cas asks. His mouth is covered in barbecue sauce and mustard and Dean can’t help but laugh and pass him a napkin.

Dean shrugs, “I picked up some skills taking care of Sam.”

“Sam is your brother?” Cas asks and takes another huge bite of his burger ignoring the napkin in front of him. They hadn’t really talked about their families before. They hadn’t really talked about anything before. Dean had tried to avoid talking about himself too much. He didn’t want people to get too attached in case he had to leave again. It’s not like he’s on the run, but after a few years he gets that nagging feeling that he has to leave and start all over again.

“Yeah. He’s uh...He got himself into Stanford.”

“Really? That’s amazing. You must be very proud. My oldest brother went to Stanford. He’s a civil rights lawyer, which is funny because-” Cas stops and looks up at Dean. He just stares at him.

“Why’s it funny, Cas?” He prods, but Cas looks down at his burger instead.

“I-he...I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. Do you need anything else before I start cleaning up?” Dean knows now that he’s not be the only one with a painful past and it makes him feel angry. Cas is kind and thoughtful and always puts others before himself. He doesn’t want to imagine that something bad had happened to Cas.

“No, thank you. I think I’m going to go to bed.” Cas stands and only winces twice in pain as he makes his way to the couch. He leaves half a burger sitting on his plate. Dean stares at the back of his friend’s head and wishes that he could see what’s inside his brain so he can help make things better or at least understand him better.

Day three Dean wakes up early with the intent to make Cas a giant breakfast. He walks out to the living room, but Cas isn’t on the couch. His bedding is folded in a neat pile and his shoes and backpack are gone.

“Damn it, Cas,” Dean mutters. He grabs his shoes and coat before he can even think about what he’s doing. Cas can’t go back to the camp. That much is clear. He would search the whole fucking town if it had to. He’s about to reach the front door when it opens and Cas steps inside with a white bag and two coffees.

“Dean? Do you have to go back to work?” Cas looks confused and a bit worried.

“No, I was- Uh-” Shit. Does he tell him he was about to search for him and bring his ass back to the apartment?

“Dean?” Cas sets the bag and coffees down on the coffee table and looks at Dean.

“I thought you left.”

“Oh.”

“I know you said you don’t want help and I know this is weird,” He gestures between the two of them. Dean’s had friendships before, but for some reason this feels different. “It’s just I’ve been alone for a long time and now I have a friend and I-I just want to help.”

Cas doesn’t say anything. He sits down on the couch and opens the paper bag, pulling out two large muffins. He sets one in front of himself and one in front of the empty space next to him.

“Are you going to sit down?” Cas asks and Dean shrugs off his jacket and sits down. Cas hands him one of the drinks and picks at the muffin in front of him.

“I feel like you think I’m invading your life and I don’t want that.”

“You aren’t invading. You’re...you’re being a good friend, Dean. And I called you, remember?”

Dean tries not to look like he’s won the lottery. Cas is giving him a look so he knows he’s failed. So, Cas does want to be his friend. Good. That’s good.

“I want to tell you what happened and how I ended up in the hospital. But Dean, I don’t want you to do anything about it,” Cas says. Dean nods in response. He doesn’t like where this conversation is headed. He doesn’t like it at all. “I need a verbal promise, Dean.”

“Cas-”

“Promise me.” Cas’s voice sounds desperate and afraid and it makes Dean feel uneasy.

“Okay.”

“I had my interview on Monday. I had asked the owner if I could come in after hours for the interview and he agreed.” Cas takes a deep breath and continues, “I was leaving and I heard these men talking a few doors down. There’s a bar there called Gordon’s. I tried to avoid them, but they saw me. One of them asked me for the time. I didn’t know so I ignored him and took off towards the park,” Cas looks up at Dean. “I’m not weak, but there were three of them. They just kept hitting me and yelling obscenities. I just...I don’t know. I stopped fighting.”

Dean doesn’t speak. He doesn’t do anything. He just sits there and absorbs the story. He plays Cas’s words over and over in his head until he thinks he’s going to explode. Who would do this? Why would someone do this? He can’t look as Cas because all he will see are the yellowing bruises and cuts on his face. He’ll see the pain in Cas’s eyes. He might see that there is more to the story that he doesn’t want to know.

“Dean?”

“Give me a minute, Cas.” He says and leaves to the bathroom. He closes the door and turns on the water to let it get as cold as possible. He splashes the water on his face and looks at himself in the mirror.  _ You promised, Dean. Do nothing.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and thank you for the support. I'm going back to posting once a week (on Wednesdays) but I decided that I would post today so you don't have to keep waiting. I also just want to remind everyone that this story does have a happy ending, but things are going to get a little rough in a few chapters. :)
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	8. Friends

The fourth day is tense. He knows he promised Cas that he wouldn’t interfere, but he can’t let this go. He already called Charlie and made plans to meet up with her for dinner. It will be easy to accidently walk by and scope out the shit show that is Gordon's.

“Cas, I’m going out to dinner with a friend. Do you want me to bring you anything back?” Cas eyes him suspiciously and shakes his head. Dean doesn’t let his gaze linger too long. “I should be back around eleven.”

“Where are you going?”

“The Roadhouse? Charlie invited me.” He’s lying about being invited, but she  _ did _ suggest the place. Cas doesn’t need to know that Dean wants to scope out Gordon’s.

“And you’ll be back at eleven?”

Dean looks up at the question. Cas has brought his knees up to his chin and wrapped his arms around them. He looks scared and Dean knows that he can’t be comfortable sitting with bruised ribs like that.

“Want me to stay?” Cas doesn’t answer right away, but Dean can see the emotions flash across the other man’s face considering his answer.

“No,” he finally says. The answer seems forced and strange. It doesn’t sound like he means it at all. It makes him feel like Cas can see right through him and that he can see what Dean’s up to, but wants him to make the right choice for himself.

“If you want me to stay I can. We can get a pizza. I’m sure Charlie won’t mind rescheduling.”

“No, you should go. I’m not much fun right now anyway,” He says and stands. Dean watches as Cas walks to the bathroom and closes the door. He stands at the front door for a moment listening for Cas to come back out to double check that he doesn't want him to stay, but he doesn’t. The shower turns on and so does the shower radio. Dean leaves.

______________________________

He forgets that Halloween is getting close. A woman dressed as sexy corn keeps giving him sex eyes. Charlie shows up a little before eight dressed in a cape and flower crown. Dean tries not to laugh he really does, but he can’t stop himself. He stops when she looks at him like she might stab him in the face and leave him for dead.

“I told you I LARP, Dean. I happen to be a big deal. I’m the queen actually,” She says and that’s all that’s said about it. She takes off the cape but leaves the flower crown on. He doesn’t know why but for some reason it makes him happy that she leaves it perched on top of her head.

They order their food and make small talk. He wishes he had more to say, but he doesn’t. He can’t stop thinking about Cas and how uncomfortable he had looked before he left. Sitting here listening to Charlie talk about computers is nearly impossible when he has the urge to get up and leave.

“Dean? Are you alright?” She asks. He looks up from the foam in his beer glass and meets her eyes.

“I’m sorry. What were you saying?”

“Dude, you were like totally zoned out. I literally said I eat fat pig balls every night and you didn’t even flinch. What’s going on?”

Charlie and Cas had some kind of past together. What if it wasn’t something good? Cas hadn’t said anything when he mentioned her name. Maybe he could tell her a few of the details and that would be enough. Maybe he shouldn’t say anything. It’s not really his place to be talking about Cas when he isn’t here to defend himself or weigh in. But Charlie doesn’t seem the type to go blabbing all over town about what had happened. He can probably trust her.

“Uh..Cas- He’s been...he’s been staying at my place,” Charlie’s eyes go wide, but she doesn’t say anything. She just kinda looks at him waiting for him to go on. “Something happened to him when he was walking back to the camp. I think there is more to the story, but he doesn’t really want to talk about it and I don’t want to push.”

“Did he say where it happened?” Her question is straightforward and simple, but there is an edge to her voice that makes Dean lean away from her. It’s beyond anger. It’s the calmest fury that he’s ever experienced in his life and he doesn’t want to answer. He’s also scared not to.

“He said something about Gordon’s,” He replies. Something flashes across her face and then she’s standing and rushing out the door as she pulls her cape around her shoulders. He’s still sitting at the table looking at the spot where she had been when he realizes that she knows who hurt Cas. He drops a fifty down on the table and follows her out as quickly as possible. He doesn’t want to lose her and then feel responsible for her getting hurt or something.

“Charlie!” He calls as soon as he’s out the door. He turns to the left and to the right but doesn’t see her anywhere. He takes off in a slow jog towards Gordon’s. He looks for her for a few moments outside before walking towards the door. He doesn’t even get a few feet in front of it when the door is bursting open a Charlie is on the ground at his feet.

“You asshole! I told you to stay away from him!” She yells and scrambles to her feet and rushes towards an older man, punching him in the side of the face. The man’s hand comes up to his face and wipes the area checking for blood. There is none. His gaze finds Charlie and it turns deadly.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” His voice sounds snake like and makes Dean feel like he’s going to throw up. No one's voice should sound that twisted and evil. He knows a voice like that and it makes his skin crawl.

“Charlie?” Dean says and takes a few step towards his friend. The man’s gaze leaves Charlie and lands on Dean.

“Winchester.” The man says and takes a step into the light. Dean can’t stop the gasp that falls from his mouth. He feels like his head is swimming and he can’t focus. There was a reason this voice was so familiar. He knew this voice. Charlie looks up in alarm and stands between the two men.

“You’re the one? You’re the one who sent him to the hospital? You piece of shit!” Dean spits. The fear and shock are long gone and anger has taken their place. He knew this man because this wasn’t the first time that this man had hurt a friend.

“Dean? You know him?” Charlie asks and takes another step towards Dean. She looks scared but mostly she just looks confused.

“Castiel and I had a deal. He backed out. He got what he deserved,” The man says. Charlie turns and looks between Dean and the older man. Dean looks like he’s about to snap at any second.

“What? You wanted him to make a delivery for you? Huh? Cause people like us, were expendable, right? We’re not worth anything so you can just use us like we’re nothing?” Dean takes another step towards the man and Charlie tenses. She grabs Dean by the arm and starts pulling him away, but he breaks free.

“It’s so easy, Dean. It’s so easy to get you people to do what I want. Your other little friend didn’t have any problems until you got involved. You nearly got him killed, or do you not remember?” Dean stops moving then. The comment is sobering. He’s right. He had nearly gotten someone killed. He takes a few steps back and grabs Charlie and pulls her away roughly. He knows he’s being too rough, but he can’t lose another friend to this asshole. “Tell Castiel, I’ll see him soon.”

Dean stops and turns. Charlie backs away from him rubbing the sore spot on her arm where Dean’s grip had been. She grabs for her phone in case she needs to call the police. Her hands shake and she presses the numbers into the phone.

“I swear to God himself, Alistair. If you touch one hair on his head, I will kill you. You know I can and I will,” At that Dean turns and starts walking back to his car. He has to get out of there. He can’t breathe. He feels like his lungs are on fire. His legs are shaking, but he makes it just in time to sit down in the front seat of the Impala and go into a full-blown panic attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Please remember that you can message me or ask me questions at any time. :) 
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com
> 
> I am looking for an artist to make some fan art for this story and I am also in need of a beta. If you are interested please message me on tumblr. :)


	9. You Know Him?

Dean groans as his eyes slowly open. Charlie is leaning over him. He feels like he just ran a marathon. Her hands are cool on either side of his face. He focuses on her frantic eyes and takes a few deep breaths.

“Are you okay?” She asks. He nods and tries to sit up. Everything hurts and his throat is so dry it sends him into a coughing fit. Her hands leave his face and she digs around next to him for a moment before handing him a bottle of water. He takes a few sips and looks around. It’s still dark out and he’s still in the car. Charlie is on her knees next to him in the middle seat leaning into his space.

“I-I think you had a panic attack. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken off like that,” She says and leans back onto her heels. Her flower crown is crooked on her head and he reaches up to fix it. She smiles at him. He drinks down the rest of the water before trying to sit up in a more comfortable position.

“How did you know?” Dean asks. He’s scared to know the answer. He doesn’t want to know from her. He wants to hear it from Cas. He also wants Cas to tell him how he could be mixed up with someone so awful and why he didn’t go to the police.

“Cas and I used to be pretty close. It’s hard not to want to be friends with someone so caring and loving. When he first got here he had nothing. So, I took him in for awhile. He was working at Gordon’s part time. Alistair started coming in regularly and they had a weird friendship, but it was more like cat and mouse. He was scary and creepy and Cas, you know Cas. He’s kind. He wants to give everyone a chance,” She looks at Dean and gives him a small smile. “Anyway, one day Alistair doesn’t come in. Of course, Cas goes looking for the guy thinking he’s in trouble. At that time, there wasn’t much of a camp, but he somehow found Alistair there trying to recruit some kids to deliver something for him. Cas said he’d do it instead. That I know of it was the only time, but Alistair never stopped asking.”

“So if he had a place with you and job, why does he stay at the camp?”

Charlie lets out a little laugh and turns towards Dean, “They came looking for him at my place. I didn’t know what was going on at the time and I was so freaked out that I called the cops. One of the guys had an unregistered gun on him so he went to jail. I guess Alistair was pretty angry and swore that he would get revenge. So, I moved into Benny’s basement and Cas took off to the camp. He’s been there ever since. He takes care of those people to keep Alistair away from them. That all happened around this time last year.”

Everything about Cas’s behavior before Dean had left makes sense. He’s scared of Alistair. Dean turns his head and looks at Charlie. This time last year? Dean had just moved here then. Was Alistair following him? Did Alistair know where he lived?

“Charlie we have to go. We have to go now.” Dean’s hands fumble for his keys. Charlie doesn’t ask any questions. She puts on her seatbelt and they take off.

Dean drives a little more carelessly than he normally would. If they knew where he lived, Cas could be in danger. God, he will never forgive himself if Cas isn’t on the couch when he gets home. He will never forgive himself.

The car is barely in park before he’s out the door and running up the stairs. The front door is still locked and he can hear Charlie running up behind him when he finally gets the door open. He looks to the couch and Cas isn’t there. He heart leaps up into his chest and tears start to form in his eyes. He looks around the living room and sees Cas’s shoes by the door and his bag hanging off the back of one of the kitchen chairs.

He rushes down the hall and checks the bathroom. It’s empty, but it still smells like Cas’s shampoo. He slowly opens his bedroom door and see’s Cas laying in his bed with his arms wrapped around one of Dean’s pillows. His mouth is hanging open and he’s snoring. Dean has never been so happy to see someone before. Charlie is behind him trying to look into the room and the door creaks as she pushes her way in. Cas’s eyes open and he sits up quickly.

“Charlie?” He asks. The redhead is already kneeling on the floor beside the bed and wrapping her arms around him. Cas gives Dean a confused look. Dean watches as Cas’s grip tightens around her while she cries into the front of his shirt.

“I tried. I tried to tell him to leave you alone. I’m so sorry,” Cas doesn’t say anything he just holds Charlie and lets her cry. Dean leaves them alone and decides to sleep on the couch. He’s so tired. He can talk with Cas later about his plans for leaving, but if Dean’s being honest with himself he doesn’t want Cas to go anywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm looking for an artist and a beta! Please message me on Tumblr if you are interested!  
> sawyerday.tumblr.com
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Things are going to get a little bit bumpy in the next few chapters. Also, a few characters have been added and a new relationship. 
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr if you want tooooo!


	10. The Truth (kinda)

Dean wakes up before anyone else. It’s too early. His mind isn’t all together and he has an intense headache. His back protests in pain when he stands. He walks to his bedroom and looks in to see Cas and Charlie wrapped around each other. Both safe and sleeping soundly. He stands there watching them. He just has to let it sink in that they’re truly okay and nothing happened to them while he slept. He doesn't even think it could be called sleep. Every time he closed his eyes he saw blood and heard the screams of someone he swore to protect. 

He stands there a little longer and then heads to the bathroom to shower. There is no way he will be able to fall back asleep and maybe a shower will help clear his mind. His thoughts turn to last night and he feels his stomach sink. What if Alistair knows where he lives? What if he had followed Dean and now he knows where Cas is? He stops his route to the bathroom and walks over to the back window and looks out to the parking lot. He can’t see the whole area, but there aren’t any new cars or people standing around. He stares for a few more minutes before his stomach is grumbling. He decides to skip the shower and start some coffee. Charlie is the first one to wake up and walks into the kitchen quietly and sits down at the table.

“Did I wake you up?” He asks. Her hair is all over the place and she looks sad. He sets down a cup of coffee in front of her and gives her a smile. She doesn't say anything for a long time. She just stares at the cup.

“How did this happen?” She asks. He’s not sure if she’s really asking him or not. He doesn’t have an answer, only more questions. Why had Alistair decided to come here? How had Cas even gotten involved in the first place? Dean doesn’t want to talk about his past, but Cas and Charlie seem like good people. If they decide to part ways after they find out what he’s done, he’ll just move on again. It’ll be awful, but he’ll do it if he has to.

“Charlie, I need to tell you something. You aren’t going to like it,” Dean says quietly. She finally looks up at him. There are already tears in her eyes and it makes Dean feel uneasy. He never did well with women crying. It reminded him of all the times he would find his mother crying when she thought no one could hear.

“I think-I think Alistair followed me here. I used to work for him. Five years ago,” She doesn’t say anything at first. She just stares at him. She tries several times to respond, but it seems like she can’t get the words out. He tries to grab her hand to comfort her, but she moves it away. His chest constricts. Charlie stands and goes back into the bedroom and closes the door. Maybe he will take the shower and then maybe make some breakfast.

________________

Cas and Charlie come out of the bedroom as Dean is finishing up the pancakes. Everything's laid out on the table and Charlie is picking at the grapes. Dean sets a mug on the table in front of Cas and pours him some coffee. Charlie watches as Dean turns to add a small amount of milk to the mug. Her eyes turn from sad to intrigued, but she doesn’t say anything. They eat in silence and Dean stares at his plate. He looks up when Cas clears his throat and Charlie gives him a knowing look.

“Dean-I think,” He looks at Charlie and she nods at him. “I think I should stay with you for a little longer.”

“I think that’s a great idea.” Dean says and takes a glance at Cas, “Alistair is a dick and usually gets what he wants.”

Cas stops his movement, his fork is halfway to his mouth and Charlie’s eyes go wide.

“What?”

“Did I say something wrong?” Dean asks. Dean figured Charlie would have told Cas about what had happened last night. Or at least about what he had said this morning. Maybe she hadn’t.

“No one mentioned his name,” Cas says and sets his fork down, “How did you know his name?”

Okay, maybe Charlie hadn’t told him anything. He looks at her and she looks guilty. Cas follows his gaze and he scoots his chair back from the table.

“You told him?” Cas asks. His question is directed at Charlie. He doesn’t sound angry, but the tone isn’t pleasant.

“I didn’t tell him his name. Dean already knew,” Charlie confesses. Cas stands up so quickly his chair falls over. He stares at the two of them as he backs away from the table. He looks hurt and afraid.

Cas looks at Dean and he feels like the room is closing in. He can’t breathe and Cas is just standing there staring at him. Tears burn in Dean’s eyes. He can’t catch his breath. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want Cas to know. Charlie moves to his side and puts her hands on either side of his face like she had last night. Cas stands there and Dean watches as his hurt changes to anger. Dean feels like it’s burning him alive.

“I used to work for him,” Dean says. Cas doesn’t move. It’s as if he’s waiting for more information, but Dean can’t give anymore. Charlie freezes where she's crouched over him and her hands drop. He can feel her eyes on him. They’re going to leave. They’re going to leave and he’s going to have to move on again. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe he should go.

Cas turns and walks down the hall. He slams the bathroom door and Dean can hear cabinets opening and closing. The door opens and Cas has his hands full of his things. He grabs his backpack and shoves the items inside. He starts to put on his shoes before Dean has time to process what’s happening.

“Are you leaving?” Dean asks. There is a panic in his voice that even shocks him. Cas can’t go not now. Not just because he wants him to stay, but because it’s not safe. Cas doesn’t have anywhere to go. Alistair will find him.

“I have to.”

“No, you don’t,” Dean pleads.

“Don’t ask me to stay.”

“Cas, this isn’t your fault,” Dean stands up. He doesn’t want Cas to know about his past. He doesn’t want to see the look on Cas’s face when he knows what he did.

“You don’t even know what I’ve done,” Cas says hugging his bag to his chest.

“It’s not your fault, Cas.”

“How do you know? You don’t even know me, Dean!” Cas’s tone has taken a raw edge and it makes Dean want reach out and grab Cas’s hand to calm him. He knows the other man is fighting back his emotions.

“I know because it’s  _ my _ fault!” Dean shouts.

“How could it be you-?”

“I think Alistair is here for me. I moved here a year ago, Cas. I moved here to get away from him and my past and I think he followed me.”

“Cas,” Charlie says and moves to his side. Cas steps away from her.

“Did you know about this?” Cas asks. His words cut deep and leave Dean feeling light headed. Charlie’s eyes find Dean’s and she looks much the same as Cas did. Afraid. Angry. Disappointed.

“No. I swear I didn’t know,” She answers. All Dean can see is the fear in their eyes and he wishes that he had never come here. They didn’t deserve this. They didn’t deserve any of this.

Dean walks to the couch and picks up his jacket and shoes. He slips them on and leaves the other two standing in his living room without saying a word. He has to get away from them. He can’t let them get more hurt than they already have. He has to leave town. Maybe if he goes, Alistair will follow him and leave them alone. Maybe he won’t hurt them anymore.

He gets in the car and drives until he has to pull over because he’s blinded by tears. It’s happening all over again. This is why he doesn’t get attached to people. Sam was lucky that he got away from him. He was so lucky. He can’t risk loving anyone else because they get hurt. He can’t love anyone because they get hurt. God, he loves them. He loves Cas. He feels like his heart is being ripped out of his chest. He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting in the car, but his phone starts ringing. It’s Charlie, but he can’t answer. He has to leave them so they can be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am currently looking for an artist!  
> Message me on Tumblr if you are interested!  
> sawyerday.tumblr.com


	11. The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first chapter of Dean's past. Things are going to get very dark. Please read the warnings before each chapter.

Dean’s 21 and needs money. He has a phone number burning a hole in his pocket. He knows that calling the number will change his life forever. He takes a drink of his warm beer and pulls out the number. He leans back on his ratty old couch and stares at it. He looks around the small apartment and sighs. He has to call. He has to get Sam off to school and he has to get away from his dad. He’s not smart like Sam. He’s not going to get a scholarship to a fancy school. He’s going to have to work his way out. He pulls out his phone and dials the number.

_“Yes?”_ The voice on the other side says. The voice is odd sounding. He can’t quite place why it sounds so strange. He ignores the sinking feeling in his gut and introduces himself.

“Hi. Uhh, this is Dean. I got your number from a friend. I’m looking for work.”

_"Ah, yes. Dean Winchester. I’ve been waiting for your call. I’ve been told you’re quite the charmer. When can you meet?”_

“I have some time today. What exactly will I be doing?”

_“Deliveries.”_

“That’s it?”

_“That’s it,”_ the voice laughs. _“I’ll meet you in forty-five minutes at the_ diner _on thirty-second.”_

The line clicks before Dean can respond. Something doesn’t feel right, but Chuck assured him that this guy was legit and that it would be fine. He kicks himself for not asking what he’s delivering or even asking a name. He looks at the time and realizes that Sam will be home any minute. The kid is graduating in a few weeks and Dean needs to get as much money together as possible before the big day. He throws on his shoes and his jacket and leaves a note for Sam.

The drive takes a little longer than usual, but he makes it to the diner with a few minutes to spare. He doesn’t know who he’s looking for so he takes a booth in the back and orders a slice of pie and a coffee. The waitress is cute and he makes sure to wink at her more than once.

He finishes his pie and a few cups of coffee. He looks down at his phone and he’s been there for close to thirty minutes. Only one couple has come in since he arrived and no one else looks like they are waiting for him. The waitress watches him from where she stands and then walks over carrying a small white box. She sets it down on the table and before he can say anything she starts talking.

“Dean, right? Someone left this for you.”

“Yeah, but how did you know?”

“He said you’d be cute,” She says simply and walks away. He looks down at the box and pulls it towards himself. He opens it slowly and looks inside. It’s a watch. A nice watch. Probably the nicest watch he’s ever seen. He picks it up and turns it over in his hands. The back of the watch has his name engraved on it. He sets the watch back down and looks up and around the diner. No one is looking at him or paying attention to what he’s doing so he lifts it out again and tries it on his wrist. It fits like it's made for him. Not too loose not too tight.  Dean smiles to himself and looks at the watch again. He’s getting a job before he has even met anyone. There’s nothing else in the box. No address, phone number, or instructions. He picks up the box and heads to the counter to pay for his food. The waitress says it’s been taken care of.

_______________________

Over the next few days, Dean gets vague and strange texts from several numbers. The first one is a date and time and location. Nothing else. The second is a date and place but no time. Nothing about them makes sense at all. He’s about to give up figuring them out when his phone rings.

“Hello?”

_“Mr. Winchester. You have your first assignment?”_

“I think so. There isn’t much information.

_“What information do you need?”_

“I don’t know. What am I delivering? What to wear? Do I need a resume or recommendations?"

_“No.”_

“No?”

“ _No, you don’t need recommendations. Wear whatever you like, but do not for any reason be late. You’re delivering goods to businesses around the city. All  forms of communication will be sent via your cell phone. Keep your phone on you at all times.”_

Is he really getting hired without an interview? He doesn't even know what the whole job entails. Who just hires someone without an interview? Maybe Chuck had talked to the guy beforehand and made sure he got the job. He was aware of the fact that Sam was going to school. Maybe he would have a trial period and then give him a formal interview later.

_“Do you have the watch?”_

“I’m sorry. The watch?”

_“The watch. Do you have it?”_

“Yes, Sir.” Dean glances up at the box for a moment and then focuses on the phone call.

_“Wear it while you are making deliveries.”_

“Why?” He probably shouldn't question it, but sometimes he speaks before he thinks.

_“To keep the time, Mr. Winchester. Why else would you wear a watch?”_

“Good point.”

_“We’ll be meeting soon. I mean it about the watch. Wear it while you make your deliveries.”_

“Okay.”

_“Goodbye, Mr. Winchester.”_

The line goes dead and Dean looks over at his dresser. The watch is still sitting in the box. He only wore it for a short time. Something about it made him feel uneasy. The whole situation made him feel uneasy. He shouldn't take the job, but making seven hundred bucks per delivery was too good to pass up. Besides, he didn’t have to work for this guy forever. Just a few months to get things going for Sam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am currently looking for an artist. If you are interested please let me know on tumblr.  
> www.sawyerday.tumblr.com


	12. No Bullshit

Dean’s first delivery was to be picked up at noon and dropped off the same day at any time. He drives to a large building and punches in the code that was texted to him a few hours ago. The gate opens and he drives in slowly taking in the sight of the building. It’s incredibly tall. The sign outside says Roman Enterprises. He’s never heard of this company before, but it looks fancy.

He pulls into a parking spot, checks his hair and teeth before getting out, and makes his way to the front doors. There is a guard reading a book at the desk with his back to Dean. He doesn’t know what to do or say, so he just walks up and clears his throat. The man turns around and greets Dean with a huge smile. His name tag says, Marv.

“Mr. Winchester?” The man says and reaches out a hand, setting his book down. This isn’t the man that he’s been talking to. This man's voice is cheerful and bright. Too bright.

“Yeah, I’m here to pick up my delivery.”

“Of course. Follow me. I have a few forms for you to sign. After that, I’ll get you the boxes you’ll need.”

Dean follows the man through a series of doors while he talks about the company and what they do. They provide food products like flour and sugar to local bakeries and grocery stores. Dean is relieved that he’s not doing something illegal. In fact, he’s so pleased that every fear or reservation about the job disappears. This was a job that he could be proud of. This was an honest job that didn’t involve questionable deeds.

“Alright, your paperwork is here,” the man points to a desk. "Fill them out and bring them to me when you’re done and I’ll get you set up. Do you have your watch?”

“Yeah,” Dean pulls back his sleeve to reveal the shining watch on his wrist. The man smiles, then turns to leave.

Dean sits at the table and fills out the paperwork. It’s all basic stuff like his name and age and how many deliveries he’d like to make a week. It doesn’t even ask for his address or work history. It only takes him a few moments to fill it out before he’s walking back up to the front desk. There is another man standing there with the guard.

“Mr. Winchester. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Dr. Avla.”

The man doesn’t even turn towards Dean or put out a hand. Dean quickly realizes why the man’s voice is unsettling. He sounds like a snake or something. His words containing an ‘s’ sound drag out in almost a comical way. His voice is nasally and strange and it makes the hairs on the back of Dean’s neck stand up.

“Nice to meet you too,” Dean says and sets the papers down in front of Marv who takes them and sets them in a folder next to him. Marv stands and motions for Dean to follow him. Dr. Alva doesn’t say anything else.

________________________________

The first delivery is to a bakery. He walks in and drops off the boxes of flour and sugar and then leaves. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. He almost feels bad that he’s going to be making so much money for doing next to nothing. As soon as he’s back home, he takes off the watch and puts it away in the box on his dresser. He makes sure it’s closed so his dad doesn’t see it and try to sell it for money.

Dean’s second delivery is to a grocery store. He drops off the boxes at exactly 9 AM and leaves. He takes the long way home. It should only take him about three weeks of work to send Sam off with a good chunk of money and then a few more weeks to get himself a place away from their dad.

The third delivery doesn’t go as smoothly. Dean has to pick up the delivery at six and it has to be dropped off by seven. Sam has to be at school at seven. He puts on his watch and knocks on Sam’s door to get him up and moving. If Sam was ready to go by six-forty-five Dean would have just enough time to drop off Sam and drop off the delivery on time.

“Hey, Sam,” Dean says quietly. There’s no movement in the room, so Dean walks over to his brother's bed and turns on the lamp next to it. His brother's sleeping form is illuminated in the dim light. There is a book on his chest and papers all over the bed. He must have fallen asleep studying.

“Sammy?” Dean says and gives his brother a little shake. Sam sits up and the papers and book go flying in all different directions.

“Am I late?” He asks, bug-eyed.

“No.” Dean laughs. “I have to work early so be ready by six-forty-five. I’ll be here at exactly then.”

Sam doesn’t say anything he just stares at the papers on his floor and bed.

“Sammy?”

“Six-forty-five.”

Dean ruffles his brothers hair and takes off. He picks up at six. On his way back home he sends Sam a text, but he doesn’t respond. He tries calling. No answer.

“Shit.”

Dean presses on the gas. It’s six-thirty. Even if Sam wasn’t awake he might still make it on time. The bakery he’s delivering to today is only a few minutes from Sam’s school. He parks in his parking spot and rushes into the house. He can hear the shower running. He knocks on the door and opens it.

“Sam? Come on! I told you six-forty-five! You have five minutes or you’re walking. I’m not joking.”

“Sorry! I fell back asleep. I’ll be out in a second.”

Dean pours himself some coffee and waits. He takes a look at his watch. Six-thirty-four. He takes if off briefly to look at the back, running his finger over the letters. It’s weird to think that it was just given to him. Sam comes rushing out of the bedroom, hair soaking his shirt. His shoes and clothes are thrown on and he’s clutching his backpack like a madman.

“I’ll give you money for lunch. Let’s go.”

Dean makes it to the school in record time. He’s not sure why, but he feels like something is wrong. Just to be sure he has the time he looks down at his watch. It’s not there.

“Fuck!” he mutters, realizing that he had left it on the kitchen table. If his dad sees it he will never see the damn thing again. So, he makes a decision. He speeds all the way home to grab the watch. He puts it in his pocket and rushes to the bakery. He carries the three boxes to the door in one trip and sets them down on the counter. He’s ten minutes late the guy behind the counter looks pissed.

“I am so sorry. My brother was running late. I had to get him to school.”

“You should make sure you’re more punctual next time.” The man says and takes the boxes without another word. Dean leaves, heading home. It’s not like he had left it on purpose. He shouldn’t have taken it off. Everything would have been fine if he would have just left the stupid thing on. He’s almost home when his phone rings. It’s Alastair. He doesn’t even get a chance to say hello.

“Come to my office,” That’s all the man says before hanging up.

Dean knows he’s getting fired. He hasn’t even gotten his first paycheck yet, and he’s already fired. Maybe they’ll give him the money he has already worked for. He doesn’t count on it as he makes his way to Roman Enterprises.

He walks by Marv, but this time, the man is less friendly and just leads him to Alistair's office and leaves. Dean sits in the chair and waits for the man to arrive. He looks around the space. It’s pretty bare. There isn’t much on the walls and there is only one row of what looks to be large notebooks on the bookshelves behind the desk. Next to that is a window that overlooks the woods behind the building. Dean doesn’t even hear when Alistair comes in.

“I told you not to be late,” He says. He doesn’t sound mad, but he doesn’t sound happy either.

“I’m sorry, sir. My brother was running late and then I forgot the watch. So, I went back to get it.” Dean explains. The man has a wry look on his face and it makes Dean feel like he’s being watched under a magnifying glass.

“I don’t care for excuses,” He says.

“It won’t happen again.”

“You’re right. It won’t-”

“Please don’t fire me!” Dean blurts. He needs this job. He can’t go back to what he was doing before. He needs it bad and he can’t pass up this kind of money. He feels safer here than out there. He’ll do better.

“Fire you?”

“Oh I-I thought you were going to fire me.”

“For being late one time? I hardly care about one honest mistake.” The man opens the drawer next to him and pulls out a file. Dean’s name is written on the tab. He opens it and looks over the papers. “It says here you’re willing to work every day?”

“Yes, sir. My brother got into Stanford.”

“He must be a smart kid.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I have a special job for you. We like to keep things running smoothly here. When things don’t run smoothly we have to get rid of the problem. Think you can handle it?”

“Yes.”

“Meet Crowley here at seven. You can pick up your payment on Friday.”

Dean nods at the man.

“Dean?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Stop with the yes sir bullshit.”

Dean stands quickly and rushes out the door. He’s not sure, but Marv has a smug look on his face when he passes by. He goes home and makes the decision that he isn’t going to take the watch off unless he’s showering. He can’t have a repeat of today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com
> 
>  
> 
> :')


	13. Crowley

Crowley is interesting. He’s charming, but there is something about him that’s downright terrifying. Dean meets with him at seven and they take a short drive to one of the local shops in town. It’s a small cake shop that opened a year ago. Dean remembers he and Sam went to the grand opening at Dean was upset there was no pie. 

The pull up to the back of the building and two men are standing outside waiting. Dean doesn’t like the way anything looks. Something bad is going to happen and he knows it. He shouldn’t have taken this job. Crowley opens his door and greets one of the men. He completely ignores the other and Dean doesn’t miss the way the man scowls at Crowley. 

“Coming, squirrel?” Crowley asks. Dean slides across the back seat of the car and stands in front of Crowley. The men standing outside the door are standing like they are standing guard. “Now the fun begins.” he says and steps into the building. 

They walk through the back area of the shop. The walls are lined with boxes of cake toppers, sugar, flour, and various other things. There is music coming from the area that Dean assumes is the kitchen. Crowley just walks right in and turns off the radio. A man a little younger than Dean turns around and looks at Crowley. The sheer fear on the man’s face makes Dean want to turn around and run.

“Garth, nice to see you. Is your boss here?” Crowley asks.

‘N-N-No. He went to get something to eat.” The man stays still and Dean can’t help but take a step away from Crowley. His whole demeanor has changed. He’s not charming anymore. He looks lethal. Demonic even. 

“Shame. He hasn’t paid for his products in quite some time. It would be a quite a disaster if something happened to his precious cupcakes.” Crowley says. Dean watches as Crowley walks over the the back of the display and takes a red velvet cupcake out and takes a bite.

“I’ll tell him you stopped by,” Garth says. The guy is like a hundred pounds and visibly shaking in fear.

“Tell him I’ll be back in a few days to collect.” Crowley makes a face at the cupcake and then drops it on the floor, “You should get someone to clean that up.”

Dean watches as the man slowly and carefully walks over and bends down in front of Crowley to pick up the discarded pastry. It all happens so fast, but Garth is on the floor holding his face. There is blood dripping from behind his hands and he’s groaning in pain. Crowley steps over the man and walks out the door leaving Dean to stare at the man on the floor. His nose is broken for sure. He looks up at Dean. It’s almost like he’s pleading for Dean to help him, but he can’t move. 

“Dean!” Dean jumps at the sound of his name. He whispers and apology to the man on the floor and rushes back to the car. Something tells him this job is going to last alot longer than he originally thought. This couldn’t have been what Chuck wanted him to do. This couldn’t be what Chuck does. He gets back in the car with Crowley and he realizes that this was less about Garth’s boss and more of a warning to him to do better. It was a threat of what would happen to him if he were ever late again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	14. A Changed Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: drinking, drugs, and violence.

It’s been eight months. Dean’s 22 and still makes deliveries, but not as many as he used to. He’s sent out with Crowley a lot. They meet up with all kinds of people and most of the meetings end with some kind of violence. Dean can feel himself changing. He’s not the same as when he first started the job. He’s almost excited when he knows he’ll be going out with Crowley. It takes him three months to realize that he’s being trained to take Crowley’s job. He’s going to be Alister’s personal attack dog and he can’t deny the amount of excitement it brings him to know that people will fear him. 

Sam left for school with a fat wallet and an even fatter savings account. Dean didn’t tell him that he had nearly a quarter million dollars saved up for Sam and himself. Dean had just simply told him not to worry about anything and he would give him money as he needed. Dean watched Sam’s spending and sent him three hundred a week. Sam still got a part time job and saved most of what Dean sent him. The largest purchases he made were books and computer programs.

He bought his dad’s car from him and fixed it up. It was beautiful. He revamped the whole inside and painted the outside. All chrome and black. She was the most important thing Dean owned and kept her pristine. He couldn’t help but notice the way that people stared when would drive up. Some were scared, cause they knew who he was, but others looked like they wanted to be sprawled in the backseat naked. He couldn’t deny that he liked the attention.

With the money came the drinking and occasional drug use. He found out the inner workings of Roman Enterprises. It wasn’t baking goods they were selling. Not really. It was mostly cocaine and weed. Lots and lots of cocaine and weed. He had learned that there were levels underneath Roman Enterprises containing millions and millions of dollars worth of weed. There were at least two dozen strains and each one got you high in a different way. Dean was okay with just the regular stuff, but he had tried a few others just to say he had.

He had a meeting with Crowley and Alister soon and they were no doubt going to move his position up in the company. Watching Crowley beat the crap out of people had been exhilarating to watch, but Dean was ready to get his own hands bloody. He had a few of his own ideas on how to get people to pay up or start talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	15. The Mission

A Year and 3 months with Alistar.

Dean’s promotion had not been a surprise, but the amount of money he was making was. He saved as much as he could but it was hard not to want to spend it all on drinking and sex. It wasn’t like he was able to date. So, he found himself drunk and slightly satisfied at Crowley’s personal brothel nearly every night. It was never enough. He wanted more. He needed more. It was too easy to walk in and get what he wanted.

“Are you going to get up anytime soon?” Dean sits up quickly and looks at the man sitting across from the bed he’s lying in.

“What do you want Crowley? It’s my day off.”

“We don’t get days off, darling.” Dean rolls his eyes and stands up in all his naked glory. Crowley doesn’t even hide that he’s looking Dean over, “Maybe put some pants on.” Crowley stands and exits the room leaving Dean to get dressed.

Dean makes his way to Crowley’s office passing lots of ladies on his way. They all look him over like he’s a piece of meat. Awhile ago it would have excited him, not he just wants to take them all to breakfast and drop them all off at college. He’s slept with a few of them and even though it’s small, he feels like he has a connection to them.

“We have a job for you.”

“What kind of job?”

“We need to you find someone and get them to join us. Shouldn’t be too hard with a face yours.”

“Where?” This sounds fun. It’s too easy to charm people into doing what he wants. He leans back in his chair and waits for the information he wants. Something about the way Crowley is smiling at him makes him feel unsettled.

“C Street.” Dean was not expecting that. C Street was full of homeless drug addicts and prostitutes who were willing to do anything for money. He sits up in the chair and looks at Crowley to see if the older man is joking. Dean had nearly lived on C Street before this job to keep food on the table, pay rent, and put clothes on Sam’s back.

“You serious? You want me to go to C Street?”

“Yes. Trust me, it will be worth it.”

“How so?”

“Trust me.”

“Trust you? Crowley, please. I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you and I can’t even fucking lift you.”

Crowley laughs, even though he’s being totally serious. He hands Dean a folder with all the information he needs and then goes back to his computer. Dean stares at the man for a moment just to make sure he’s not kidding. He’s not. He really wants him to go to C street and find someone named “Andy”.


	16. Andy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: sexual assault, drug use

C Street during the day is nice. C Street at night is a whole other ballpark. Dean doesn’t dare take his car down there. He would never get any info and he’d come back to all the windows smashed out and the seats missing. It’s not so much that the people are bad, they just do what they have to do to live. Sometimes stealing and destroying things is part of that. 

Dean parks his truck a few blocks away and walks the rest of the way to C Street. Even in a beat up car, someone would find something to take. He doesn’t want to take any chances. He gets down to the opening of the alley and starts the walk down the long road. There are people everywhere. They all look at him like they remember him. Some of them even look sad to see him there again. 

“Dean-o! What are you doing here?” A voice asks. He turns around and see’s Gabe handing out some soap and toothbrushes to some of the people sitting on the street. Gabe isn’t from C Street, but he hangs out there a lot. He brings food and toiletries to people. Gabe brings hope to those who have lost it. 

“I’m looking for someone,” Gabe stops mid-pass and hands his bag to someone else who takes over for him. 

“Looking for who?” Gabe asks. Dean knows if anyone named Andy were here, Gabe would know. 

“Andy?” Gabe gives Dean a knowing look and points to a small tent towards the back of the area. Dean knows that tent. He’s been in there more times than he wants to admit. That’s where you go when you have nothing left. That’s where you go when you’re willing to do anything to get money to eat or even have warm socks. 

“You sure?” Dean asks. He doesn’t want to go near it, but he doesn’t have a choice if he wants to keep his job. He sure as hell doesn’t want to end up back here against his will. 

“I’m sure. He’s a new kid. Just got here a few weeks ago. He’s nice.” Gabe says sadly. Dean knows what that means. Dean was nice once too. They like it when you’re nice. 

He gives Gabe a small smile and heads down the alley to the tent. He gets catcalled a few times by the locals it makes him want to take a three-hour shower and scrub his skin until there is nothing left but bone. He gets to the tent and waits. There are no sounds coming from inside so he rings the small bell next to it. There’s no answer. 

“Andy?” Dean says quietly. He can hear movement and muffled crying. He doesn’t want to open the tent. He doesn’t want to know or see what’s inside but he does it anyway. Inside he sees a guy about the same age as him bound and gagged. He’s lying face down on the filthy blankets. His face streaked with tears. His pants and down around his thighs and Dean can’t help but rip the tent door open and get in there to help the guy. The man cries silently while Dean unties him and gets his clothes together. 

“I’m sorry,” Dean says. The man sits up and wraps his arms around his knees. 

“Not your fault.” The man says. His voice is quiet and raw. He must have been screaming for hours. Dean looks up at the guy and frowns. This isn’t a way to live. This could have been him if it weren’t for Gabe. 

“I’m looking for Andy. Are you him?” Dean asks. The man lets out a few huge tears and Dean can feel the pain of knowing what happens here flood his mind. The man is probably high out of his mind.

“Not currently. I’m the next best thing.” The man laughs. He then lets out a sob and then reaches out and grabs ahold of Dean and holds him so tight Dean can barely breathe. He can’t stop the tears that come out of his eyes. He helps the man out of the tent and takes him to Gabe who’ll help get him out of here, at least for the night.


	17. Gabe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Confused? That's okay! Head back to the very beginning to re-read the story with all the new additions.

Dean waits a few days before going back to C Street. It had been way too emotional and he had spent the last few days sulking and having horrible flashbacks of some of the things that he had to endure. When he goes back, he goes during the day. There are less shady things going on during the day. He walks around looking for the guy from a few days ago, but he avoids the back of the alley. He doesn’t like it there. It makes him want to peel his skin off and grow new untainted skin. 

He finds a few people that he’d seen when he used to run around the area, but no one seems to know who Andy is. Gabe shows up with tons of pizzas and cases of water and Dean helps him hand them out while he waits for Andy to show up. He had been in the tent, he’ll be back for sure. Only those who have nothing left go in the tent. It was only a matter of time before he would pop back up again.

“So, you’re working for Alistair? He’s made quite a name for himself in the last year,” Gabe says and hands Dean an empty pizza box. 

“Yeah,” Dean replies. Gabe stops and turns and looks at him. It’s not just a passing glance, he’s really looking at him and Dean’s face is starting to heat up. So he busies himself with the empty boxes in front of him. 

“Do you like it?”

“It’s alright. 

“Dean-”

“I don’t wanna talk about it, Gabe.”

“Okay.” Gabe never pushes. He just asks the hard questions and lets you think it over for weeks on end until you crack and tell him everything. It isn’t going to happen this time, though. He can’t risk anyone getting involved because of him. He’s seen what happens to innocent bystanders in Alistair’s way. They end up dead or worse.


	18. Andy 2.0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: unwanted sexual advances

It’s a few weeks later when Andy finally shows up again. He’s so high he can barely stand and Dean has to practically carry him to his car. Gabe had shown up  while  Dean was leaving and  gave  him some phone numbers of people who could help Andy. Gabe didn’t know the details of what Dean was doing with Andy and he never asked but Dean wanted to tell him. He wanted to tell him so that at least one other person knew where Andy was headed so that if his body showed up in a ditch somewhere, someone not connected to Alistair could identify him. 

“Where are you taking me, big boy?” Andy asks. Dean wants to throw up. He asked that once and ended up not being able to to sit down for a week. It was the worst week of his life.

“I’m taking you to my boss,” Dean replies. The guy is so high, drunk, or both he’s not going to remember anything happening.

“Your boss? Is he big? I could use a good fucking,” Andy says and Dean can’t stop himself from looking over at the guy to see if he’s serious. Dean looks back to the road and continues to drive to Roman Enterprises where Crowley and Alistair wait for him.

“You’re cute , ” Andy says and slides over into Dean’s space. Dean doesn’t dare look at him. He knows by the sound of the other man’s voice that he’s crying already. Andy leans in close to the side of Dean’s face and places a kiss on his cheek. It’s not sexual in nature but Dean heats up anyway. He hadn’t been kissed like that in a long time. It makes his heart beat fast er . He can feel Andy’s hand slide up his thigh and he pulls over and finally looks at the younger man.

“I don’t want you,” Dean says. He says it harshly and rough. He makes his voice deep and loud and Andy jumps back away from him and whispers a very quiet apology. He gets back on the road and chances a quick look back at Andy who’s letting silent tears fall down his face. Dean’s been there. He knows what it’s like to be rejected, even if it’s by someone you don’t even really want.

“Do you think I’m attractive?” Andy asks as they reach the gate of Roman Enterprises. Dean looks over at the man for the last time and accesses how he looks. His hair is short on the sides and long on top. He has a baby face but has to be at least 21. He has smooth skin. He’s tall, but not as tall as Dean or even Sammy ,  who’s now a giant. He’s lean and has kind eyes and yeah, Dean thinks he’s attractive.

“Sure,” Dean says and that’s all he says to him for a few months.

____________________________

The next time Dean sees Andy he’s a completely different person. He’s cleaned up and almost shiny. He’s in uniform and Dean can’t help but think he looks really good. 

“Andy?”

“Yes,” He replies. He turns and faces Dean. He keeps eye contact and has a small smile on his lips.

“Hi, I’m D-”

“Dean Winchester. The man who saved my life,” Andy finishes. Dean tries to come up with something to say but nothing comes out. So he just nods. This was definitely not the Andy that he saved. It was, but not really. This person in front of him was so put together and polished. It was like he went through years of therapy in a matter of months. “I’ve been meaning to call or something, but I wasn’t really sure what to say.”

“That’s okay. I didn’t do anything special. I did what any human should have done.”

“But no one else did. I mean there was Gabe, but he could only do so much. He never pushes past the point of making you think about your life.”

Dean laughs at that. It’s true ,  after all. Gabe did have a way of making you think about your life and planted the smallest seed of hope deep inside. He always made it seem possible that if you wanted something bad enough you could get it. Dean believed him for awhile until things went wrong. He really didn’t have a choice after that. C Street would have killed him if he had stayed.

“Gabe has that way about him,” Dean says. Andy gives him a look that he can’t place, but Andy doesn’t say anything more about Gabe. They find themselves at a cafe not far from Dean’s apartment catching up and talking for a few hours. Dean doesn’t think he’s ever been this open with someone. Not even Gabe. Not even Sammy. He find s  himself telling Andy everything about his time on C Street and how his dad is verbally abusive and how he fears it’s going to get physical. He tells him about saving money and moving away someday. He even talks about Sammy and how he’s passing all his classes with flying colors.

It isn’t until it’s nearly dinner time that Dean realizes how much he’d been talking. Andy hadn’t really shared much about anything except his job. He didn’t talk about C Street or how Dean had found him. He didn’t talk about Alistair or what Alistair and Crowley did with him after he dropped him off. He just talks about his work and how he’s happy that he’s found himself again. He says it in a way that makes Dean believe him. He says it so convincingly that Dean finds himself staring at the man wishing that he could kiss him.

The thought catches him off guard. He tells Andy he has to go and gets up to leave. Andy stops him before he gets to the door. “I mean it. Thank you,” Andy says and leans in to press a kiss to Dean’s mouth. He’s shocked but doesn’t say anything. His face heats up as he turns and leaves. 

His lips tingle all the way home. He smiles a little as he opens the door and maybe he feels a little bit happy that he made a difference in someone’s life. Maybe he’s pleased that someone kissed him and it wasn’t because they had some twisted reason to. He goes to bed with a smile on his face and hope that tomorrow will be a better day. And maybe, just maybe, he’s found himself a new friend. Someone to trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Questions? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	19. Rehabilitate Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: violence, sexual assault, cursing, hospitalized dean

Dean has his first days off in a long time and decides to sleep in. At least, he tried to sleep in. It’s nearly six in the morning when he hears his dad enter the house. He’s boots are heavy on the worn floor and Dean knows his dad is drunk or worse. His behavior has been so different lately and it makes Dean’s skin crawl. He didn’t want to think the worst of his dad. They hadn’t always had the best relationship, but he still loved the man. He still called him dad. 

Dean gets up and walks down the stairs to see his father holding a large mailing envelope. He can see from the entryway into the kitchen that his father’s name is written in large bulky lettering and there’s no address. Dean figures someone must have dropped it off after he had gone to bed.

“Dad?”

His dad doesn’t answer. He stands his back to Dean near the kitchen sink. He can see that his father is holding something else, but he’s not sure what it is. Dean takes a few steps into the kitchen and pulls out the coffee and some mugs. He might as well start his day. The Impala needs an oil change.

“You some kind of faggot now?” His father asks suddenly. Dean turns around quickly to face his father who has now turned and is holding a photo. It’s a single photo and it’s of Dean and Andy in the coffee shop. It’s the exact moment when Andy had leaned in and kissed him. Dean takes the photos from his father’s hands and stares at it. It’s grainy, but it’s him. He hoped his dad would never find out about his attraction to men.

“This isn’t what you think it is, dad,” Dean says. John stares at him and then takes a few steps forward. The two men are toe to toe in the kitchen and it’s the first time Dean has truly been afraid of his father.

“Do you think I’m fucking stupid, Dean?”

“No!”

“What were you doing all those days that you missed school?”

“That was years ago! I barely remember yesterday.”

Dean takes a few steps back. He can feel the tension. He knows that something is wrong. Something doesn’t feel right. He was sure that his father had been drinking. He was so sure, but his eyes are clear and his body language says otherwise. Something feels wrong. His dad pushes past him bumping him on the way out and walks up the stairs. Dean can hear him moving things around upstairs. He hears slamming and cursing and then his father is downstairs again holding a large stack of pictures.

“You wanna tell me the truth?” The man  asks  and slams the stack of photos on the table. Dean jumps with the amount of force his father uses. He’s used to his dad slamming things. It was the John Winchester way, but there was something wrong. He wasn’t himself, even when he was drunk he still felt right, but this was all wrong.

Dean takes a few of the photos and looks at him. In them, he’s about 17 and he’s definitely at C Street. The further into the stack he gets the more explicit they get. Photo after photo of Dean doing unspeakable things for money. Photos of Dean looking broken and sad. Photos of Dean with his head thrown back in pleasure. Dean on his knees. Dean on his back. Dean on all fours. Dean bloody. Dean crying.

“I-I don’t know what you want me to say.” His voice breaks and tears fall down his face. So many questions come to mind. Who took these photos? Why were they being sent to his father? Why would someone do this?

“You’re some kind of, what? prostitute? You hang out down with those people down there?”

“Dad, no! I stopped years ago.”

“Did you like it?”

“Dad, please don’t.”

His father doesn’t say anything for a long time. He just stares at something that isn’t there. He stares and he doesn’t move. It’s like he’s frozen in place and Dean’s too scared to breathe let alone move. He can’t believe this is happening. This is his worst fear. His father knowing about all the things he did to feed himself and Sammy. All the things he did for clothes and gas for the car. All the things he was forced into doing because he wasn’t worth the fifty bucks he charged. 

“She wouldn’t have wanted this,” John says suddenly. Dean’s heart clenches in his chest and he feels like he’s going to fall over. His dad never talks about his mom. Never. The only time he had ever heard him talk about his was when he was nine and his dad had disappeared for days after leaving Sam and Dean with nothing but peanut butter and jelly. “You’re fucking disgusting.”

Dean barely has time to move before his father’s hand is hitting him in the face. Dean hits the ground hard. He can’t move. He can’t make his body move. He can’t make himself get out of the way of what he knows is coming. Maybe he does deserve this. Maybe Gabe was wrong. Maybe there isn’t hope.

“You have her fucking eyes and you’re fucking disgusting. I can’t even look at you. You’re pathetic. I didn’t raise you like this, you fucking faggot.” A kick to the ribs leaves Dean in tears sobbing. He still can’t move. He can’t speak. He just takes it. This is what he deserves. Things get blurry after that. He knows that his father is hitting him, but he can’t seem to make his arms and legs move. He can feel every punch and every kick. He can taste the blood and he accepts that this is where he’s going to die.  

“You deserve this! She’s gone because of you!” His father screams. He’s heard his father yell before many times, but this is different. This is terrifying and Dean can’t seem to do anything, but lay there and take his punishment. He can’t move. Dean slips into death silently and slowly. He doesn’t want to wake up. It was only a matter of time before Sammy found out about what he did and he wouldn’t want to be a part of him either. It wasn’t worth it to be alone.

______________________________________

Dean wakes up and it’s bright. It’s too bright. There are people standing over him. Everything seems familiar, but he can’t place where he is. He sees a face he recognizes. Gold eyes and light brown hair. Gold eyes. Kind eyes.

Another face he knows.

Dark hair and dark eyes. Beautiful eyes. Lips. Kissable lips. Warm.

Hope.

________________________________________________

The beeping wakes him. He can’t move, but he opens his eyes slowly. It’s darker now. There is a body sitting in the chair next to him. They are sleeping. He can’t see as clearly as he should be able to. His eyes aren’t working right. He can feel his heart beating quickly and he can’t catch his breath. He can’t breathe. He slips in and out of consciousness as the body next to him starts moving.

“Dean…”

“Dean.”

“Dean!”

“I can’t breathe!” Dean yells, “I can’t breathe! I can’t-”

“Dean,” There are hands on either side of his face and his eyes are meeting gold. “Listen to my voice, okay? Just listen. Take a breath, Dean. You can do this,”

“I can’t. I can’t-please! I can’t breathe!”

“It’s a panic attack. You’re going to be okay. Just take a deep breath.”

He focuses on the eyes and takes his first deep breath. The burning in his lungs eases and he takes another and another. He’s breathing. In and out. In and out. The hands are soft and gentle on his face and he slowly calms down and is able to remember a name. Gold eyes.

A nurse comes in a puts something in Dean’s tubes and Gabe lays him back gently onto the bed.

“Sleep.”

Dean nods.

_________________________________

Dean wakes again and it’s light outside his window. He looks to his left and sees Andy staring at him. Dean tries to smile, but it’s doesn’t feel right.

“How do you feel?” Dean isn’t sure how he should feel. He can’t think straight. He knows where he is. He knows who he is, but he can’t seem to talk. He can’t make his mouth move. The panic must be written on his face because Andy grabs his hand and gives it a squeeze. “Hey, you’re gonna be fine. Just give it some time, okay? We’re not gonna go anywhere okay?”

Dean nods.

__________________________________

He doesn’t know how many hours it’s been, but he knows that he should be talking by now. He can think clearly. His ribs hurt like a bitch, but he can think clearly. He tries to talk, but the words won’t come out. He tries to write and he can’t make his hands move. He has tubes and wires coming in and out of his body and he wants to scream that he’s okay. He wants Gabe to stop looking at him like that. He wants Andy to stop leaving and he can’t tell anyone anything.

“We’re gonna try something new today. Is that okay with you?”

Dean nods.

___________________________________

He thinks it’s been three days. Gabe hasn’t left, except when Andy is there. Andy reads him books by Vonnegut and Dean tries to comment or give his input, but his mouth still doesn’t want to work. It opens and closes, but that’s about it. 

Sleep doesn’t come easily. The doctors told him he has a traumatic brain injury and that he shouldn’t be alive. He shouldn’t have lived through what he went though. He can’t remember what is it he went though and he can’t ask anyone either. He’s starting to get bored and the healing wounds on his face itch and he can’t scratch them. His hands and arms barely move.

“Are you ready to sleep?” Andy asks.

Dean nods.

___________________________________

“W-w-w-ater.” Dean says. Gabe shoots up out of his chair and yells for a nurse.

“I’ll get you some. I’ll get you all the water in damn the world. Alright, buddy?” Dean’s not sure why Gabe is so happy or why there are tears coming from his eyes, but there are.

Dean nods.

___________________________________

“Gabe,” Dean chokes out. Gabe stops pacing on the phone and turns to look at Dean who has a smile on his face. He can’t explain that he’s been practicing when he can’t sleep. He can’t explain that it’s easier to say words when it’s quiet.

“Hey! New word!” Gabe says and hangs up on whoever he’s talking to. Dean wants to laugh, but he just keeps smiling.

“Gabe,” Dean says, again. He can’t change the tone yet. He wishes that his stupid hands would stop feeling so weak so he could give the guy a high five or something.

“You’re doing fine. Give it time, okay?”

Dean nods.

____________________________

Dean is sick of the hospital. He’s sick of being treated like a baby and he’s sick of being put to sleep. He’s sick of the medication. It makes his brain fuzzy. He wants to get up and walk out but he can’t. He doesn’t even know why he’s here. He hasn’t seen his brother and no one has mentioned his dad.

_ Dad. _

_ Something happened with dad. _

_ Dad. _

_ Dad did something. _

_ Dad. _

_ Why? _

_ Dad hurt me. _

_ Dad. _

_ Why? _

“Gabe!” Dean yells. It’s so forceful he even shocks himself. Gabe nearly falls over from being startled.

“Jesus! You nearly made me piss my pants,” Gabe stands and walks over to the bed and takes Dean’s hand. It takes everything he has to squeeze Gabe’s hand as hard as he can. He knows that it’s not much, but he has to get better.

“Dad,” Dean says. He knows by the look on Gabe’s face that he’s starting to remember what had happened.

“Ah, kiddo. I’m so sorry. You're doing great, I promise. Just keep fighting.”

“Fight,” Dean says. The rage boiling under his skin is the only thing that is going to keep him going at this point.


	20. The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: guns

A week passes. Dean is almost back to normal. Normal being that he can speak in complete sentences and can flirt with anyone who walks through the door. However, he can’t seem to stop himself from freaking out every time someone tries to explain what’s happened to him. He knows his dad hurt him, but he doesn’t know why. They say that his mind has made him forget the incident. That’s what they call it now, “the incident”. There has to be a reason why he can’t remember and there has to be a reason why his dad had done this. Something was wrong. Something feels wrong and he doesn’t like it at all.

He stays with Andy for a while. It’s comfortable. Andy is kind and thoughtful. He makes Dean’s meals. He covers him with extra blankets and sometimes they kiss. It never goes past that though and Dean’s pretty sure that it has something to do with what happened on C Street. He doesn’t mention it, though. He and Andy become close. Gabe comes by every once and awhile to check in. He never comes when Andy is home and it makes Dean a little sad because he knows that they would be great friends.

Sleep comes a littler easier now that he’s not in the hospital. He’s only able to sleep a few hours at a time because of all the dreams. He’s not exactly sure what they mean, but he’s sure it has something to do what happened with his dad. Andy and Gabe have both tried to explain it to him, but he thinks he maybe doesn’t want to hear about it. At least, his body doesn’t. It rejects the idea that his own father could do something so hurtful and hateful.

_____________________________

It’s late when Gabe shows up. He’s pounding on the door so hard that Dean swears the neighbors are going to call the police. He rushes to the door and opens it. Gabe looks frantic.

“Oh, thank God!”

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Dean, you have to get out of here. You have to go before Andy gets back.” Gabe is shoving Dean back into the house and grabbing everything he can find that looks like Dean’s.

“Alistair, he’s coming for you.”

“Coming for me? Why?”

“Dude, I don’t have time to explain, but I need you to trust me. Okay? I need you to go. You need to get out of here. I don’t care where you go, but you have to go.” Dean hears a car door from outside and springs into action. He grabs his bag from near the couch and stuffs it with the few things sitting near him. Gabe is pushing him towards the back door when the front door opens.

“Gabe,” Dean whispers as Gabe walks back towards the front of the house. He can hear voices. One of which he knows well. Crowley. They really were coming for him. Dean opens the back door as quietly as he can and slips out. He hopes that Gabe will be okay, but right now he has to get away from there. He can’t be found if Alistair has sent Crowley after him. He ducks down around the side of the house and then feels a hand come around his mouth and another wrapping around his body.

“Shh.” A voice says. He struggles against the person and tries to get away, but he’s still too weak from his time in the hospital. “Dean stop. Be quiet. Just listen. First, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have agreed to any of this. Second, I’m getting you away from here.”

The grip on his face and body loosen and he turns around to come face to face with Andy. He’s bruised and bloodied.

“It’s not so bad,” Andy says before Dean can get a word out.

“What the fuck is going on?”

“Your dad.”

“What about him?”

“He knows about the drugs. He knows about what you do. He knows everything and he’s going to out Alistair to the police.”

“What? How does he know all this?”

“Dean-I..I’m so sorry,”

“You did something? You told him?”

“No! No. Of course-”

He knows that sound of a gun when it goes off. Andy looks scared. Genuinely scared and Dean can’t help but start running. He runs hard and he runs fast. He doesn’t want to know who was shot. He doesn’t want to care. His lungs burn as he runs, but he knows he can’t stop. Not if he wants to live. It will only be a matter of time before they catch up. He takes a turn down his own street before he slows. He has to get home and get more things together. He had cash stashed all over his room. He could get away.

He walks up to his house and stands in the driveway. It doesn’t even seem like the same place anymore. It’s dark and looms over him. It makes him feel like the house is watching him and warning him not to go inside, but he needs his stuff. He needs to get away and he can’t do that with nothing. He takes a few steps up to the porch and sees something out of the corner of his eye. A camera. It’s sitting in plain sight, but he knows he wouldn’t have noticed it otherwise. The red light blinks at him and he knows that it will only be a matter of time before they find him now. How long had they been watching him?

He opens the door and runs up the stairs to his room. He quickly scans the room for any red blinking lights. He finds none. He grabs his duffel bag from under the bed and fills it with clothes. He puts his watch in the side pocket of the bag. He can probably sell it later if he needs to. He gets his stash of cash from the closet and the one from the underside of his night table. It should be more than enough to get him started. He leaves the rest in case Sammy needs it later. He runs downstairs and grabs a few things from the cabinets for food and then leaves again. He’s in and out in less than five minutes.

Once he’s in the city it’s easier to hide from passing cars. He thinks about going to C Street but he knows that they will look for him there. It was only a matter of time before they turned on him. He feels like he knew it would happen, but he didn’t expect it to be like this.  

He makes his way West towards Sam. Sam calls a lot and Dean lies and tells him everything is fine. He doesn’t tell him that he was in the hospital and he doesn’t tell him that he’s on the run and hiding. He hopes that Alistair doesn’t try to find Sam. He hadn’t mentioned anything.

He stays in California working as a mechanic for 8 months, but leaves after seeing a car that looked too much like Crowley’s.

He goes to Oregon. It’s a small town of 1,000. He spirals into depression and sleeps with anyone willing. He works in a grocery store and keeps enough money in his wallet in case he has to leave again. He calms down after awhile. He finds a girlfriend and volunteers for the fire department two summers in a row. After the second summer, he starts getting calls from a strange number. He leaves in the middle of the night. He leaves a letter saying sorry and not to look for him. He doesn’t want them to end up getting hurt. They will be hurt that he’s gone, but that’s better than what would happen if Alistair found them.  

A few months later Sam calls and tells Dean that their dad isn’t doing well. Dean knows he shouldn’t go back but he does it anyway. He grows out his hair and colors it darker and hopes that no one will notice him. His dad isn’t happy to see him. They fight and it leaves Sam with so many questions that Dean can’t stay. He takes the Impala and heads back to the Pacific Northwest.

Seattle is next. He loves it. It’s beautiful and green and makes him feel like he’s finally found a place that he might be able to call home. He works at a bar and saves up money to fix up the Impala. She’s still beautiful, but he’d like to upgrade the engine and have the seats redone. He meets a girl named Cassie. She’s beautiful and smart and strong, but they don’t last long after he comes clean about his past. He’s not sure if they don’t make their year long relationship work because of his past or because she’s scared of him. He leaves her but he keeps Washington.

The strange phone calls don’t stop.

“I don’t know how you got this number but stop calling!”

“Dean?” His blood runs cold. He knows that voice. It’s Andy.

“How did you get this number?”

“I’m a cop. I can find anyone if I try hard enough.”

Dean doesn’t say anything else. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t scared that they’ve found him.

“I needed to make sure you were okay. Are you?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have an address?”

“What?”

“I need to send you something.”

There was no way he was going to give him any kind of information. He doesn’t know if anyone else is listening or if he’s being paid to find Dean. He wants to hang up and get a new number, but something makes him stay on the line. He doesn’t say anything.

“I’ve been working on something and I need you to read it. I need you to understand and I want you to know that I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t know the full extent of what Alistair’s plan was. I didn’t know he was going to go after you until it was too late and by then I had to play along.”

“I’ve already left my whole life behind. I thought we were friends, Andy. What do you want from me? I thought…” He doesn’t finish his sentence. He doesn’t want to admit that he might have loved the other man.

“I know, but...I promise it will all make sense. I just need an address. Any address. I don’t care where it goes, I just need it to get to you. Okay?”

“I’ll give you an address but I won’t be there if you plan on sending someone.”

“I don’t have to send someone. They know where you are because you kept the watch.”

“The watch?”

“It’s a tracking device. Get rid of it the first chance you get. They won’t be able to find you after that. Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“I-I just wanted-I’m sorry.”

The way he says sorry makes Dean want to cry. It doesn’t sound like “I’m sorry”. It sounds like goodbye. The kind of goodbye that can’t be taken back. He knows in that moment that he won’t ever see Andy again because he’s going to disappear or worse. Maybe Alistair and Crowley have a plan for him.

“I need you to answer something for me.”

“Anything.”

“Gabe. Is he-”

“He wouldn’t tell them where you had gone and they shot him. He’s...he’s okay. For the most part. He doesn’t remember a whole lot from the last few years, but he’s getting better. I already sent him what I needed to send him.”

They talk for a few more moments. They say their goodbyes and Dean feels lighter than he’s felt in a long time. He finds his watch and drops it overboard on the ferry from Seattle to Bremerton. He’s found an apartment and a job in a small town North of Seattle. He’s going to do everything he can to keep his life together. He’ll keep his head down. He won’t make friends or go out. He won’t talk to anyone unless it’s completely necessary.


	21. Please, come back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is now back to the present day.

Dean keeps driving and Charlie keeps calling. He’s an hour out of town before he lets himself listen to some of her voicemails.

 

_ Call me back. _

_ Dean Winchester, I'll kill you if you don’t call me back. _

_ Look, Dean, this isn’t your fault. Okay? It’s just a lot of information to take in. Please come back. We can work it out. This doesn’t have to be the end of your time here. Don’t you think you should stop running? _ Dean hears some shuffling on the phone and then there’s a new voice.  

_ “Dean? I...you...please come back. I’ll stay, if that’s what you want, but please don’t leave angry. Don’t leave before I’m able to tell you- Just, please come back.” _

The line goes dead. There are at least 3 more messages, but he doesn’t bother listening to them. He’s already turning around to go back. No one has actually wanted him to stay after them finding out about his past. He hasn’t even gotten into the details of everything. He doesn’t know if he can trust them, but he wants to. He wants to go home to his friends and be content with his life. He wants to stop fighting against his natural instincts to settle down. He wants to have a house and a yard and a garage to work on the car in. He wants it all, but he knows his life wasn’t made for that.

He takes his time driving back to town. He takes in the trees and water. He looks up at the sky a few times to watch the birds fly overhead. He can’t stop himself from feeling better and better as he makes his way back to his apartment, but there’s also the feeling of dread. How is he going to get through this? The last time he had to talk about his past he could barely get it out. His panic attack was almost immediate and lasted an hour. He texts Charlie when he’s a few minutes away to give her a heads up that he’s nearly there and had gotten her messages.

He had something to help him this time, though. He had what Andy had sent. He didn’t expect the package to show up in just a few days. It took him a week to open it and then a few more days to look inside it. It sat on his table for days mocking him. He wanted to know what was inside, but it also scared him to know that it could be something awful.

It was awful, but it was also freeing. It was all the answers to all the questions he had. It was all the information on Alistair that he would need to take him down. It was why his father had done what he did. He had to wait, though. He had to make a plan. Maybe having Cas and Charlie on his side wouldn’t be so bad.

____________________________

Dean pulls up to his building and sits in the car for awhile. The sound of the engine cooling is calming and makes him feel more at ease. It’s not going to be easy to talk about his past or the truth of what happened to his friends. It’s not going to be easy to look Cas in the eye and tell him that he cares about him, but he has to. 

He gets out of the car and opens the trunk. He pulls up the false bottom and pulls out the folder filled with the information that Cas and Charlie are looking for. The information that makes up a large percentage of his first years of being an adult. The good, the bad, the ugly. Everything about him laid out on paper no thicker than a pack of gum. He makes his way up the stairs and to his front door. It seems silly, but he knocks anyway.

“Hello, Dean,” Dean isn’t sure who reaches out to who first, but being in Cas’s arms is like being in heaven. He can’t help but breathe the other man in. Being in Cas’s arms is like coming home after a long day of work. He doesn’t even hide the fact that he can’t hold his tears in. They stay like that for a few moments before Charlie comes out and clears her throat.

“I’m glad you’re back,” She says. He can tell that she means it but her voice is so small it’s hard for him to imagine that she’s the spunky outspoken woman that he’s become so attached to.

“Thanks. I uh- I brought you something,” Dean hands her the folder and makes his way to the couch. It’s best if he’s sitting to talk about this in case he has a panic attack and passes out.

“You seem different,” Cas says. Dean looks up at him. He’s standing in the middle of the room with his arms crossed over his chest. He still looks angry. Like, the anger he’s holding in is bubbling right below the surface and the wrong word or gesture will send him spinning into a tornado of rage. Charlie stands a few feet away holding the folder in her hands. She turns it over a few times but doesn’t open it. Cas stares at it. Dean looks between the two wanting them to say something or do something. The quiet is making him feel crazy.

After what seems like an eternity, Charlie sits on the far end of the couch and Cas pulls up a chair from the kitchen. Dean feels like he’s going to shake out of his skin. He feels restless and he just wants to get it over with. He just wants them to know so they can leave him. He just wants to get the heartbreak over with. He wants them to yell at him and scream at him for being so stupid. He wants them to tell him he’s disgusting and worthless so that when they decide to leave it won’t hurt so bad. He loves them, but he’ll leave them if that’s what they want.

Charlie sets the folder down on the coffee table across from Cas. His eyes don’t leave it. He stares at it as if it’s going to open by itself or if it will start talking to him.

“This folder is everything you need to know about me and my past.”

“I don’t care about your past,” Cas says. Dean notices Charlie’s reaction next to him. She looks like she’s about to cry. She looks like she wants to say something, but she doesn’t.

“Cas, I- I’m sorry. I just, I don’t do this. People don’t- once they know. They leave. Or I leave. Once you know, this, whatever it is we have, will be gone.”

Cas doesn’t move for a moment. He stands there and stares at the folder. He looks like he wants to read it, but is conflicted. Finally, he walks over to it and picks it up. Dean’s heart is beating so fast he feels like he’s going to pass out. It feels like hours pass while Cas flips through page after page reading everything about Dean. Every little detail. His time in the hospital,  Gabe , his time on C Street, what he did for Alistair, Andy, school and birth records, addresses phone numbers, everything.

“Dean?” Charlie asks. Dean looks over at her. It isn’t until she grabs his hand that he realizes that he’d been holding his breath. She gives his hand a squeeze and smiles. It’s small and unsure, but it’s real. It’s honest. Cas clears his throat and Dean looks up at him. He’s frowning.

“Well, now you know. You can go if you want.” Dean says. He doesn’t want to cry but his eyes are stinging.

“I’m not leaving.”

“Come on Cas, you can’t possibly want to stay. I haven’t done a decent thing in my whole damn life.”

Cas takes a few careful steps to the couch and sits down on the other side of Dean. He stares as if he’s trying to convey some kind of secret message. Dean feels like the whole world is moving in slow motion as Cas’s arms come up and wrap around him again. This feels different. This feels like something he hasn’t felt in a long time. 

“You have done plenty to protect the ones you love. You’ve given so much that you can’t even see what you mean to those around you. You’re-you’re special, Dean. You’re- amazing and if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be here and _you_ did that.”

Charlie grabs onto him on his other side and holds him tight. They sit and cry and talk long into the next morning. They fall asleep in various positions on the couch. They wake up and talk some more. They talk and talk and no one leaves except to use the bathroom or get food. No one says hurtful words or makes fun of Dean. No one acts like he’s the scum of the earth. No one makes him feel like less for the things he had to do when he was younger. He feels whole. He feels happy. He feels like he’s maybe finally found a place where he can be himself and be okay.


	22. Chapter 22

“What are we going to do about Alistair?” Cas asks. Charlie has long gone home and Dean and Cas are on the couch. They are sitting so close that Dean can smell Cas’s toothpaste and face wash.

 “No, you’re right. I don’t want anyone else to get involved in this.”

 Dean nods and leans his head on Cas’s shoulder. This has become common in the past few days. Little touches here and there. Nothing too intense, just small intimate moments to let one know that the other is there. Dean can feel the tension between them, though. It creeps in when moments like this happen. When it’s just the two of them. Dean can feel Castiel’s questions and it makes him crazy that he doesn’t just ask them and get it over with.

 “Cas, are you going to ask your questions or just think about them loudly?” Dean finally says. He’s had enough of the tension. He’s tired of feeling like Cas is going to walk out the door and he’ll never see him again.

 “Did you like it? On C Street. Did you like what you had to do?” Dean knew questions were coming, but he didn’t expect that one. He knows honesty is the best policy, but he wants to lie right now.

 “At first,”

 “Why only then? Why not later?”

 “It wasn’t always my choice later.”

“I understand.” Cas looks at Dean, he looks sad, “Did you ever tell Sam about any of this?”

“No. Never.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t need him looking at me any other way than he already does. He would be embarrassed that his brother was some kind of street whore.”

“Dean-”

“No,” Dean gets up and heads to his bedroom. He doesn’t want to think about Sam knowing about the things he did for food and money. He doesn’t want Sam to see him differently and he doesn’t want to realize that Sam probably already knew. It wasn’t hard to figure out and Sam was so smart. He could probably tell the second Dean came in smelling like sex and cigarettes and sometimes pot. He could probably tell when Dean walked a little funny after a particularly rough night. Sam probably knew it all, but Dean wasn’t going to admit to anything.

Dean falls asleep after a bit and doesn’t wake up until the next day. Tuesday. He wakes up to his alarm blaring and rolls over to turn it off, but it’s already off before he can get to it. He sees a mess of dark hair moving next to him. He watches as the figure gets up and walks out into the hallway. Cas won’t sleep alone anymore. Dean doesn’t mind. He can hear footsteps and then gurgles from the coffee maker and coffee mugs being set out. He listens as pots and pans are being moved around and silverware is being taken from the drawer. He slips into a peaceful rest listening to the movements in the other room. 

“Dean.”

He opens his eyes and Cas is standing there with a mug of coffee in his hand. He sets it down on Dean’s side table and then sits down next to him. He places a hand on Dean’s face and leans in close and places a kiss on his forehead.

“Thanks,” Dean mutters. Cas gets up and goes back to the kitchen. Dean takes a few slow sips from his coffee. It’s made perfectly. A little cream and just a hint of sweetener. He used to drink it black, but Cas makes it better than he could ever hope to make it. He can smell the bacon as he gets into the shower. Cas has gotten up nearly every day to make Dean coffee and breakfast. He knows it’s not going to last forever, so he tries not to be used to it, but it feels nice waking up to someone. The urge to leave is still in the back of his mind. He still wants to pack everything up and leave, but it wouldn’t be because he isn’t wanted. There’s a whole new set of feelings coming up.

He’s happy and feels content with Cas by his side. It’s like Lisa or Cassie, but better. It’s like running and running and looking for water and finally finding it. It’s refreshing to be with Cas. It’s waking up happy and going to bed happy. It’s too much happy. He’s too happy. Dean doesn’t get to be happy and he knows that something is coming.

A few days pass and nothing happens. They continue on like they don’t have a care in the world. Cas takes care of Dean and Dean lets him. It’s all very domestic and it makes Dean’s skin crawl. He wants to leave. He wants to get away and leave Cas before something bad happens. He thinks about it everyday on his way to work. He could just keep driving. He could leave without a word, but he won’t.

“Dean?” Dean looks up and sees Cas looking at him from the kitchen with a concerned look on his face. “Are you going to answer it?”

He looks down and see’s his phone buzzing on the coffee table. He picks it up and stares at it for a moment before he finally answers.

“Hello?”

" _Dean?”_

“Yeah, what’s up, Charlie?”

 _“I need you to come to Purgatory and bring Cas.”_ Her tone is light but urgent. 

“What’s going on?” 

_“I just...can you please just get here?”_

 “Yeah, we’ll be there soon.” Dean hangs up and looks at Cas who's still standing in the doorway of the bedroom. "Charlie needs us to meet her at Benny's."

 Cas nods. The two get dressed and make their way to Benny's shop. The sheriff's car is outside and Dean feels like he's going to be sick. Something must have happened. They park and head inside. Benny can be seen talking with the sheriff and what looks to be an FBI agent in his office and Charlie is sitting in one of the stylist chairs pulling at a thread on her jeans. 

"Charlie?" Cas asks. She looks up and smiles. It's a big smile.   
  
"They got him," She says and stands. She makes her way to Dean and locks her arms around him. 

"What do you mean?"

"That asshole was trying to get Benny to do business with him. Turns out that sad sack is wanted in like seven states for drug trafficking." She's just finished talking when the agent and Benny walk out.

"Dean Winchester?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"You're a hard guy to find. I'm Agent Mills. I've been trying to find you for awhile."  

 


	23. Oh, Brother

Dean sat in the local sheriff’s office waiting for Agent Mills. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous that his past had truly finally caught up to him. The fact that all the chaos in his life hadn’t found him sooner kinda shocks him. He looks around the small room and sighs. His fingers tapping on the desk in front of him over and over. He can hear every time someone passes by the door, but no one enters. He feels guilty. Cas is waiting in the lobby.

A few more minutes pass and he notices the manila envelope on the desk. The corner of it is barely sticking out, but he recognizes the handwriting and pulls it out of the stack. It says “Agent Jody Mills” across the front. It’s much thicker than his envelope. Just as he’s about to open it the door opens behind him. He sets it down with an embarrassed “sorry,”.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, Mr. Winchester.” Agent Mills says. She has a kind smile.

“Did you know him?” Dean asks. He doesn’t know how much he should or shouldn’t say, but the energy in the room feels okay.

“Andrew was my nephew.” The word ‘was’ makes Dean feel uncomfortable. He watches her as she sits down and hands the envelope back to him. “Go ahead.”

He takes a deep breath and opens the envelope, pulling out all the papers in one grab. They feel heavy in his hands. On the top of the stack is a hand written letter.

_**Aunt Jody, Please forgive me. I hope that you’re able to do something with this information. I don’t have much time, but know that I loved him. Thank you. I love you.** _

Next, was page after page of typed text. Most of the pages have been blacked out and there are notes written in the margins. Phone numbers, addresses, and states. He skimmed the parts he was able to read, but one part stuck out the most:

**_“Gabriel Novak spent all his college hours for community service looking for his brother, Castiel. He guessed him to end up in a place like C Street. There was no way to know for sure, but Gabriel stayed down there night after night looking for his brother. He never showed up, but Dean did. Gabe used Dean to heal himself from the pain that he had caused his brother. I talked with Gabriel while Dean was in the hospital and he told me everything. I even encouraged him to call his brothers last known phone number to contact him. When Dean woke up I knew that I couldn’t follow through with Alistair’s plan. I made sure that if anything came through on Dean that it would vanish. I was able to of this for a few years, but they found me out. I know they will find me, so this is all I can offer you. I wish that I had done things differently. Please, if you can, find him. Tell him everything.”_ **

Dean set the stack of papers down on the desk and looked at Jody who was watching him intently.

“We had to take a lot of the information out, because the less you know, the better. Unfortunately, there is nothing that I can do to protect you from the law, however, Alistair is gone. I’ll let you have a few days to get your things in order and then we’ll go from there. My nephew gave the ultimate sacrifice for you. I suspect you’ll stay put for the time being.”

Dean nods in acknowledgment. He gets up and walks down the hall in a haze. He doesn’t know what to think. He doesn’t know what to do. Only thing resonates in his head.

_Castiel is Gabe’s brother._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been sooooo long! Hello. 
> 
> Sorry that this isn't very long. I'm working on the last few chapters and wanted to give you something to look forward to. Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Tumblr? sawyerday.tumblr.com


	24. Cat's Outta The Bag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth comes to the light and Dean doesn't know what to feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, the time jumps are all over the place because I keep forgetting what timeline I'm in. So, if you can ignore that, this story will be over very soon! Thank you all for sticking with me. We're almost done! 
> 
> This chapter is not edited. I just wanted to get it up for you guys.

Dean walks down the hallway to the lobby of the police station. He can see Cas sitting twenty feet from him. He’s leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. His eyes are downcast. Dean stops and stares for a moment. It takes him longer than it should to realize that Cas is praying. He’s praying hard. He’s so caught up in it he doesn’t look up until Dean touches his shoulder. There are tears in his eyes. He jumps up and wraps his arms around Dean so tightly Dean can barely breathe.

“I’m sorry,” Cas mumbles. Dean pulls the man off him himself and looks him in the eyes.

“For what?” Dean asks. It comes out harsher than he means, but Cas has nothing to be sorry for. Cas isn’t the one who had nearly gotten his brother killed. He wasn’t the one who lied. He wasn’t the one who created chaos wherever he went.

“I should have told you that I knew who you were.”

“When did you figure it out?” Dean asks. Castiel doesn’t say anything. Cas sits down in the chair and looks up at Dean.

“I knew when I took you to the camp. You said you have a past that you aren't proud of. I don’t know why, but things clicked. I called Gabriel and told him you were here and I had never heard him so happy. He thought you had died. I...I agreed to the lunch to tell you who I was and to tell you that you ruined my brother's life, but then I saw you at Benny’s and I knew that nothing I could tell you was going to hurt you as much as you had hurt yourself. You looked so different. You looked like you were seeing yourself for the first time in a long time.”

Dean takes a step away from Cas and sighs. He doesn’t know what his emotions are doing. He feels relieved that Cas already knew, but there’s something else brewing underneath his skin.

“Let's just go home, okay?”

“Dean I know this is shocking. I know that I should have told you, I just didn’t think anything like this was going to happen.”

“We can talk about it later. I need to call Sam,” neither man says anything else until they are in the car. Dean can feel Cas’s eyes burning into him. He knows that he wants Dean to say something, anything, but he doesn’t know what to say. He feels like he needs to take a few steps back from this situation with Cas. He feels like he’s not really sure who Cas is anymore.

“I wish you would say something,” Cas mumbles.

“You wish I would say something? Do you have any idea how betrayed I feel right now! I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore. I don't know what I feel right now.” Dean pulls off onto the side of the road and turns himself towards Cas.

“I’m so sorry, Dean. I wasn't planning on fall-This wasn't supposed to happen,”

“You’re sorry. You should have told me Cas.”

“What difference would it have made had I told you then? You would have left!” Cas shoots back. Dean turns back towards the road and starts driving again. Why would Cas care if he had left. Why care at all if he 'ruined his brother's life'. He doesn’t say anything else. They pull up to the apartment and Cas gets out.

“I’ll get my things.” He says and closes the door to the car. Dean doesn’t know what else to do, so he drives off leaving Cas in the rearview mirror. He just needs to drive like he used to. Driving always cleared his mind when there was too much going on.

He drives past everything he has known for the last few years and follows the signs to the highway out of town. He drives for a few hours before he stops for gas. He pulls up to the gas pump and turns off the engine. His mind is going a million miles a second. He gets out and sees his phone drop to the ground cracking the screen right up the middle. There are notifications filling the screen. Most are from Charlie and Benny, but there’s one that sticks out...it’s Sam. He clicks the message and reads it. He can just barely make out the call me in all caps. He dials the numbers slowly to make sure he’s getting the right numbers.

_“Hello?”_

“Sammy?”

_“Dean? Where are you? I have a dozen phone calls from a guy name Cas and a woman named Jody Mills. What is going on?”_

“I don’t even know where to begin, Sammy.”

It’s true. Dean doesn’t know where to start. Everyone was right. He should have told Sam a long time ago about his time on C-street and what he did for Crowley.

_“How about you go home and talk with Cas and then I’ll be there on the first flight out.”_

“Samm-”

_“I’m already on my way to the airport.”_

“Okay, Sam. I’ll come get you.”

_“Dean, you and I both know that you can’t do that.”_

Sam’s angry. Maybe angry isn’t the right word. Disappointed? That sounds better, but still not right. There’s something at the edge of his voice that makes Dean feel like he’s failed at protecting Sam from the evil in the world.

“Sammy, I’m sorry,” Dean says. Tears blurred his vision before he could even finish his apology. He can’t stop the sob that claws its way out of his throat. He cries and cries and doesn’t stop until he hears Sam sniffling on the line. He quiets himself and wipes his eyes on the backs of his hands and gathers himself the best he can. He takes in a shaky breath and listens to his brother cry on the line.

_“Dean,”_ Sam says, his voice is raw and sad. _“You have nothing, nothing, to be sorry for.”_

“I do, Sam. I should have told you everything a long time ago.”

_“Maybe, but we’re gonna get through this now. I’ll be there soon.”_ Sam hangs up and leaves Dean to his devices. He could keep driving or he could turn around. He had already done this to Cas before. Just leaving without a word.

He can picture Cas sitting there on his couch in the apartment they have shared for the last few months. He’s probably sitting in the light of the Christmas lights they put up a few days after Thanksgiving. He’s probably straining his ears to hear the sound of the Impala pulling into the parking lot. Or maybe he’s wrong. Maybe Cas left. Maybe he won’t be there when Dean gets back. He doesn’t want to think about that so he carefully dials Charlie. She picks up on the first ring. He explains what happened and she listens without saying a word and she promises to let Cas know that he’s on his way back and that he’ll never ever leave Cas again. 


End file.
